Bleeding the Clock

Inappropriate Comments Distract Focus From Greatest Matchup This Season

2011-10-03T21:08:00.003-06:00

Noted sunglasses wearing person Hank Williams Jr. has opinions and he wants you to know them, immediately! When it comes to football, he supports the Crimson Tide. Also, our President is to Hitler as John Boehner is to Netanyahu! ESPN was thrilled to hear about his new career as a pundit. To let him focus on it, they removed his segment from tonight's broadcast of Monday Night Football.

Jr. has already offered the standard explanation of "I was misunderstood." But If you've seen the tape, you know better. The hosts gave him opportunities to clarify or qualify and he declined. (He also made a creepy pass at the lady!) His half-hearted apology is probably not not emphatic enough to get his job back. We are in a weird moment but people seem to have a baseline where calling the President "Hitler" is offensive.

Donovan McNabb is Terrible, Unrepentant

2011-09-29T14:32:00.003-06:00

Today in stories that are both unsurprising and incredibly frustrating, Donovan McNabb doesn't think his mechanics need any work. There's no reason to argue with that. He believes there's nothing about how he throws or does his job that is making him bad at it. Maybe he is anticipating a new technique where receivers will begin catching the ball with their feet. Perhaps staring people down for five seconds before moving through his progression is some type of gamesmanship. There are lots of possibilities! Bottom line, Donovan is getting paid and doesn't seem to be worried that his team is 0-3. Last year there was at least some ambiguity considering what a weirdo Mike Shanahan is. In 2011, he is freed of that excuse, and appears to be mailing it in 100%.

The best hope at this point is that this starts the calls for Christian Ponder a little sooner. It's sad to think that with such a talented team, we should be thinking rebuild, but that is what two years with old, unaccountable QBs will do. You can watch the Vikings and appreciate the technical, brilliant fury of an Adrian Peterson run (when the team occasionally calls run plays). Or, enjoy the terrifying violence of a Jared Allen pass rush. Just change the channel or shut your eyes when #5 drops back to pass. He doesn't care how it works out, so neither should you.

The Lockout is Written on Michael Vick's Tongue, Hand, Brain, Etc.

2011-09-25T22:06:00.006-06:00

It's too early to call it. They're a deep team with lots of talent. I refuse to believe the Redskins finish ahead of the Eagles or Cowboys. That said, yikes. The Eagles are looking undisciplined and unfocused. The lockout has a lot to do with it. Philly added a lot of new players and didn't have long to get them assimilated. Now Michael Vick is spitting blood and (justifiably)issue with the refs' treatment.

The NFL made a commitment to protecting quarterbacks and beefed up the rules. There are plenty of plays below the border that get yellow flags and a free fifteen. When Captain Blowdry is under center, the referees will make sure he continues to throw. If that's how it is, fine. I don't object to superstar calls, because people pay to see the superstars.

Michael Vick is a superstar. He's completely infuriating, and has done things that turn my stomach. He was punished. When he stands under center and doesn't get hit, #7 an amazing player. But he takes hits that get other quarterbacks fifteen and a 1st. The play where he broke his hand is an example.

If we're going to make business decisions about the health of our superstars, great. Make them universal.

American Airlines Center is Haunted

2011-06-08T09:22:00.002-06:00

LeBron ain't afraid of no ghost, at least not when it adds up to free throws. Skip to 1:05 for the best angle.

Breaking: They Freed the Spanish Prisoner! Also, Houston is Depressed!

2011-06-02T00:33:00.010-06:00

Kevin McHale was terrible at his job. Just awful! So bad that he ran out of coaches to fire and thrust himself to the sideline. He seems like a very nice man. Occasionally he is seen sitting next to Charles Barkley and does not seem unlikable! But wow he was bad. There was no way Minnesota was going to improve until he was fired. McHale was fired in 2008 and the world assumed the Timberwolves would get better.

They got worse. David Kahn, freshly GMed (?), drafted two tiny elfin men at the most elfin position, point guard. Consecutively! In a league where we're all being held hostage by a 6'8" manchild who can run through brick walls. Yes! Also, one of the point guards is Spanish and he has refused to come to the States. Until now! This is what counts as a success story for Minnesota. A good player held his breath for two years and now will be forced to play for the Timberwolves.

But, these things are relative. Seeing the news can remind you what you forgot. It could be worse.

Fun With Natural Phenomena!

2011-06-01T11:00:00.005-06:00

If you have a soul, it lies heavy today knowing that the Heat are up 1-0 in the NBA Finals. However, Mr. Spontanayus dug a little deeper, and discovered a heartwarming story all basketball fans should know.

Last night the Heat defeated the Mavericks in Game 1 of the NBA finals. In their post-game press conference, a reporter asked LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh if they could talk about the source of their motivation for the night's performance. The three friends waxed poetic about a strange event on May 11.

James: We've been inspired for a while now. There were haters, and it's hard to keep negative thoughts-- to keep from doubting yourself a little. We're fighting our own demons, the media, and the other teams.

Wade: Yeah, but then we knew we were chos-- we were pick-- God picked us to win.

Reporter: What ar--

Bosh: You see, everybody thought that we were celebrating the victory when we won the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals in Game 5 by 10 points against a team with a one-armed point guard and three 35 year olds, but actually we were reveling in the beauty.

Wade: Yeah, it looks like I dive dramatically out of bounds, and do a cannonball into the stands in pursuit of a very meaningful loose ball, but actually I trip because I got distracted by the colors.

James: And I was kneeling on the floor with my head bowed in reverence. It was too much-- too much to look at.

Bosh: I heard D-Wade. He was whispering "It's so bright and vivid. It's so beautiful." I see Bron-Bron and he's crying. "It's too much. OMG! OMFG, it's so INTENSE!" Then I look up and I saw it. More amazing than anything I'd ever seen before, in the rafters, a triple rainbow.

Wade: Well, not really a triple-- more like a full double rainbow with three quarters of a third one.

James: More like half of a third one, but still...

All three looking at each other with wistful smiles: Miraculous!

The post-game press conference then ended abruptly when the reporters realized that the three athletes began sporting eye-hazard erections. So now we know the true story. James, a player who has played in the NBA finals, and Wade, a player who has won the Championship, did not cry with overwhelming relief when they defeated an injured Celtics team in the fifth game of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals by 10 points. They did all those things because God chose them with a double and a half rainbow.

The Lakers Need a Coach, Epilogue: the Buss Family Remembers Kobe

2011-05-30T11:39:00.017-06:00

Good organizations make mistakes. Not so often as bad organizations, but it happens. When good organizations foul up, they bounce back by properly managing damage control. They make sure everyone has their story straight, deal with all problems internally, and move forward with a united front. That way, the damage of the bad decision is not multiplied by public bickering. Your fans do not want to hear a mea culpa. They want to read about their best player getting arrested for punching a baby at the victory parade. Nobody likes apologies.

Apparently climbing the ladder means Jim Buss is now free to fall on his face! He did an extended interview with the LA Times in which he admitted it was a mistake to not talk with Kobe about Mike Brown. To the quotes!

I'm surprised by the reaction to Mike's hiring. I wish people heard him speak. Let him show you what he showed us. I wanted him to know they are picking on me, which explains why they are picking on him. But it's a reflection on me, not him. He hasn't done anything wrong.

Yes! No worries Mike, they are mad at me, not you. So, feel better! Even though you will be fired, not me.

I don't consider myself a recluse or anything like that. But this is my dad's team. I like what we're doing as a group — my dad, Mitch Kupchak and myself — and especially when we win championships, but I work for my dad and that's who I like to answer to, and who I like to impress. I look at my dad and if he's happy, I'm happy.

Get inspired, Lakers fans! Nothing shows hope for the future like a guy who screws up, then describes himself as daddy's valet.

Looking back on it, we should have contacted Kobe. Kobe said it was management's job to pick a coach. He just said, 'Defense first.' That's what we were doing, but we should have reached out to him.

We were doing what we were told! We shouldn't have done what we were told! We did the right thing, badly! Next, on the risk (guarantee) Kobe will ignore Brown and do whatever he wants:

I've seen Kobe go off the place a few times, but I'm sure the coach will know how to handle it. My dad loves Kobe and so do I; we think he has a lot left. And I know Mike has some ideas on how to elongate Kobe's career.

We totally threw this guy under the bus, but he will be fine! An unwelcome hire will definitely command the respect of an unhappy hall of famer, because of...something! There are many good quotes in here. They paint a picture of the dangers of nepotism. They smell of purple and gold flames surrounding the Staples Center. But none has more pathos than this:

I am blessed thanks to my dad's hard work, but I'm doing everything I can to learn so I'm ready when I get my opportunity. I'm in no hurry to have that happen.

Jim Buss is spoiled, lazy, and in no rush to be held accountable. I love LA!

The Lakers Need a Coach Part II: Let's Alienate Our Best Player!

2011-05-25T10:57:00.014-06:00

Someone apparently talked the Buss family out of bringing in Mike Dunleavy, Sr. as the Lakers new coach. This is good! You might assume Kobe Bryant weighed in and pointed out that Dunleavy is terrible. That does not appear to be the case. Why? Because of the following loaded portion the report that LA is 'very close' to hiring Mike Brown:

The source close to the Lakers told SI.com that Lakers star Kobe Bryant was "surprised" by the news, and that he was not a part of the decision-making process. Bryant had been a staunch supporter of Lakers assistant Brian Shaw for the position and remains as such.

Oh dear. Kobe Bryant has developed a polite public persona. The early chaos of the post-Shaq Lakers saw him put through the wringer. Leaving out the ugly situation in Colorado, Kobe had to figure out how to be the focal point of the team. He learned quickly how much Shaq had given him room, both on and off the court. He found out how dangerous the Internets can be. From these and other bad experiences emerged a new, media savvy face. He even knew to diplomatically and carefully criticize his teammates for their elimination game temper tantrums.

Kobe has learned how to be calm in public. Don't believe for a second he is calm right now. The Lakers did not just lose to the Mavericks, they were destroyed. There is no doubt Bryant was (quietly, privately) telling management either Pau works out his girl problems or plays somewhere else. What is the Buss family thinking? Are they still reeling from the Phil Jackson breakup and out of touch with reality? Kobe Bryant is their franchise. The Lakers will hit a tough hangover when he retires. It is in their best interest to keep him happy until that day comes.

Mike Brown is not a bad coach. The Cavs gave him a raw deal. His firing was a pre-emptive strike by Dan Gilbert to keep a flame lit with LeBron, all for nothing. Mike Brown could be a great fit for the Lakers. But Kobe wants to be heard, and he wants Brian Shaw. If he ends up with neither, the serene demeanor will not last.

Breaking: LeBron and Tom Brady Have Something in Common

2011-05-25T10:24:00.009-06:00

Mr. Spontanayus has been unable to type recently because his hand was crushed after shaking with a wrestler. But, he trained a dog to transcribe his thoughts, and sends this along...

I suppose you could call what we've been doing "Heat hatin'." So I'll do two things: (1) say that I am surprised and impressed with how dominant the Heat have been the past two games because Wade, Bosh, and James have all been excellent; (2) keep "hatin'." [Editor's note: this was submitted before last night's OT loss. If the Heat finish off the Bulls, the only hope for democracy and freedom is a German with chin pubes. The Marshall plan worked!]

While watching the game two days ago, I noticed that LeBron James' headband is totally ineffective: it's too high. A headband is designed to catch brow sweat and prevent it from getting in the player's eyes. Thus, unless James produces an exorbitant amount of sweat from the crown of his head (not the one on his head of course), his sweatband is useless. I know that sweatbands also make you look really cool, and LeBron looks really cool, especially when he wears clothes with his name on them. I just don't think that this is the reason that LeBron wears his headband. Perhaps it is effective. It's covering his male-pattern baldness.

LeBron didn't wear his headband so high as a rookie in 2004. He didn't wear it so high when he won the MVP at 25 year old in 2009, though it was a little higher. I suppose the hair loss hit him extremely hard in the last few months. Perhaps it was the stress of "The Decision," and becoming reviled by a once adoring public. Perhaps he's actually 35. Perhaps he has one unfortunate gene. I don't know, and LeBron probably doesn't know.

I admit I won't be cheering for the Heat. But I don't actually consider the above "hatin'." I just think LeBron is very very silly.

The Lakers Need a Coach Part I: Send In the Clowns

2011-05-17T07:44:00.008-06:00

You see, LA just got out of a long term relationship. Their old boyfriend was a dick. He was pompous, pious, and frequently aloof. But, he got the job done. The Lakers need to take a break. They need to honestly and slowly look in the mirror before they do something hasty. Like putting Mike Dunleavy, Sr. on their shortlist. Yes, that famous last name that evokes...something, could return to coach the Lakers a second time.

You might think that Mike's sole qualification is knowing how to get to Staples Center. But you'd be wrong! Just listen to his glittering CV, detailed in the article linked above:

Dunleavy is currently awaiting judgment in his arbitration hearing with the Los Angeles Clippers, who stopped paying the balance of his contract after they fired him as general manager last year. Dunleavy earlier had resigned as coach after going 215-326 with the Clippers.

Ah, yes! The best relationships are with people going through a messy divorce. And since the Clippers are the Bizarro Lakers, that means he had a winning record. Science!

Though his recent history with the Clippers was unsuccessful, Dunleavy is still viewed as a strong tactician with an impressive history of postseason success.

This is all true! Whenever you saw Mike coach, your first thought was "tactics." By standing still on the sideline, he preserved the element of surprise. You were genuinely surprised when you saw him do anything.

He also has a long history with Bryant, whom he courted and nearly convinced to join the Clippers as a free agent in 2004.

OK, what? "Long history"? He asked him out and was turned down. By that logic, a girl holding a "MARRY ME JUSTIN" sign at a Bieber concert goes WAY back with him.

Dunleavy is the winningest and was the highest-paid coach in Clippers history.

World's tallest midget, sexiest leper.

Dunleavy has a career record of 613-716 as a head coach with the Lakers, Milwaukee, Portland and the Clippers. Besides the 1990-91 run with the Lakers, he came within one game of the 2000 Finals with the Trail Blazers before a fourth-quarter collapse in Game 7 propelled Shaquille O'Neal and Bryant to their first of three championships together with the Lakers.

Baffling! Are the Lakers so short on hope that they are excited to recruit their former punching bag? Isn't this the kind of thing you do after all the good candidates have turned you down? Is it Christmas already?

Dunleavy has maintained a friendship with Lakers owner Dr. Jerry Buss and his son, Jim Buss. As recently as last year, he watched Lakers games with Buss from his suite at Staples Center.

That is good. It will make things more awkward when he is fired!

LeBron James Apologizes to Cleveland: We Care a Little, Right?

2011-05-16T10:53:00.009-06:00

Image from the excellent, superb, much missed Wizznutzz
This post marks the first of a new contributor to Bleeding the Clock. He has a deep mistrust of "the Machines," so let's call him Mr. Spontanayus for now.

On the night of May 11th, LeBron James apologized for "The Decision." He named the Boston Celtics as a primary reason for taking his talents to South Beach:

I knew deep down in my heart, as much as I loved my teammates back in Cleveland and as much as I loved home, I knew it couldn't do it by myself against [the Celtics]. The way it panned out with all the friends and family and the fans back home, I apologize for the way it happened. I knew this opportunity was once in a lifetime. To be able to come down here and pair with two guys and this organization -- in order for me to move on with my career, that team that we just defeated, we had to go through them.

I find roughly 48 things interesting about those statements. James still considers Ohio his "home." He thought his teammates were so bad in Cleveland that he had to beat the Celtics "by [him]self." He considers himself to only truly be paired with "two guys" and an "organization" (read Pat Riley). He will not apologize for leaving, but will apologize for "the way it happened." Thus, James does not make an apology, Period. He makes an apology, but... : but my teammates sucked; but the organization sucked; but I had to move on; but the Celtics had a Big-Three. Whatever. James made his infamous decision on July 8th of last summer. It took him 317 days to apologize for "the way it happened." In between, he did this (@ 2:05), this, and, begrudgingly, this.

I see two ways to look at his decision to apologize now, after winning this series against the Celtics. First, he's a coward. He can only bring himself to grace Cleveland with his magnanimous apologetic explanation when he feels the exhilaration of victory. His apologizes only as a masturbatory symbol to the idealized persona of his imagination. Second, he's a child. He smiles with self-congratulatory maturity only in the safety of triumph. He knew "The Decision" was poorly executed and in poor taste, but he could not admit it out loud, not for a year, because he's childish and petulant.

I just feel bad for him. Watching him, he looked... human. He looked wistful, like he wished it has all been different: that his teammates hadn't sucked; that Dan Gilbert hadn't sucked. He looked like he had a different dream, but that he had resigned himself to his new fate in Miami. Now I don't feel bad that he has taken the second position on Dwayne Wade's team. I don't feel bad that he lives his second dream. I feel bad that the most powerful, most graceful, most dynamic athlete of a generation lacked the self-confidence to pursue his first dream. Well, I feel about as bad as I can for a guy who has two daughters with a woman he won't marry (read between the lines here), and makes over $40 million a year to play basketball and appear in advertisements.

Shaw Kemp is Loyal (?), Overweight

2011-05-12T14:07:00.007-06:00

In a move that totally should not make you giggle, not even a little bit, Shawn Kemp is standing up for fidelity! Yes, the noted basketball player with noted potency refused courtside seats to see the Thunder play in OKC, out of loyalty to the Sonics. Good for you Shawn! When you decide to apologize for drinking, smoking, eating, impregnating, eating, impregnating, sleeping, and eating your way out of relevancy, please let me know.

Shawn's ethical concerns aside, the Oklahoma City Thunder are the best story remaining in the NBA Playoffs. Dirk finally figured out how to be the man. The Bulls could spare us all the misery of a Miami Heat Final. But, OKC is out there proving a smart, well run small market team can compete and win. Their series with the Memphis Grizzlies emphasized that point through seven superb games. Both teams are Pacific Northwest ex-patriates, but Memphis undeniably had the tougher road. Who would have assumed a trade for Pau's younger brother and Kwame Brown would pay off? But it did. Marc Gasol played like he wanted it, Pau Gasol looked like he wanted his vacation.

But the biggest surprise on the Grizzlies has to be Zach Randolph. Z-Bo has spent his career as a 20-10 "so what" player. Someone who can get great numbers but never fits in a winning system. Zach made that label a thing of the past. He stared down the Spurs, calmly closing out games when people expected him to choke. He got the Grizzlies to Game 7 against the Thunder, despite OKC's powerful defensive frontcourt. If there's one hope to hold in your heart, besides Miami losing, it's that this season wasn't a fluke for Memphis. Team basketball matters. Seeing five guys on the court who know how to play together makes games fun to watch. Forty-eight minutes of one on ones and contested shots is miserable to watch. The Grizzlies have earned a spot in the NBA's elite, and here's hoping they fight for that chair next year.

The Heat are Inevitable, Terrible to Watch

2011-05-12T07:37:00.001-06:00

Last night, the Celtics exited the playoffs. Depleted by injuries, aging, and bizarre trades, Boston played like a team with nothing to look forward to. They could get leads but could not hold them. It is difficult to imagine them being a true title contender next year. Now the push to build around Rondo will begin, but the defensive enforcer he needs is Memphis bound, hoping to move to the conference finals. Danny Ainge may have defended that trade, but he will likely live to regret it.

The deep, soul-crushing depression you feel is knowledge that Miami has advanced. The statute of limitations on being mad about the Decision has lapsed. But, there is plenty of mileage left on how painful it feels to watch the Heat play. Four teams still in the hunt practice a fluid and entertaining style of basketball: Dallas, Chicago, Oklahoma City, and Memphis. They pass, move without the ball, and call plays. Two teams do none of these things: Atlanta and Miami. Fortunately, Chicago has a chance to prevent an Hawks vs. Heat conference final tonight. Here's hoping they do.

Let's not begrudge Miami for wanting to win. Yes, the template they have set up is destructive. Only a few markets can afford to go on the type of shopping spree they did. The NHL is in better financial shape, which should tell you something! (Very few people watch hockey!) The collective bargaining mess will take a lot to get worked out, the two sides are still far apart. But let's put all that aside. Even if the Heat are leading everyone to destruction, can they at least learn to play together? Please?

Rugby Shows Bold Leadership in the War on Fauxhawks

2011-05-10T08:09:00.005-06:00

The Price of Freedom
In a move that will likely poison the well for Jersey Shore: Australia, an Australian Rules Football player was banned from a match for his pointy haircut. The referee (correctly!) noted that Nathan Van Someren's gel sculpted sharkfin was dangerous, and like so many Red Rider bb-guns, could take your eye out. But beyond the physical dangers of the fauxhawk, we should consider the metaphysical and aesthetic. Do bad haircuts injure your soul, or wound the minds of those forced to look at them? Having no information to support this, yes. Sports in general, not just rugby, would benefit from some fashion policing. Consider reforms like the ones listed below:

1. Chris Andersen is banned for life. He could fix the fauxhawk, but the tattoos are now so far out of control that there is no hope. Tattoo artists: when a man asks for "FREE BIRD" on his neck, it's time for an intervention/exorcism. We have passed the point of this being fixable. Unless he is willing to play in a green man suit! That would be pretty neat.

2. Tom Brady is banned until he accepts he's going bald. Or, in the alternative, develops enough dignity to not wear the Bieber. (Bieber comb-over. Biebover?) Think of the children!

3. D-Wade is suspended one game for every time he wears fake glasses. This insensitive behavior makes light of the struggle many Americans experience every day. Also, bow ties are stupid.

All these ideas are good!

The Lakers Have Some Time To Think

2011-05-09T14:31:00.003-06:00

Sunday, the wheels came off what may go down as the most unmotivated attempt to repeat as NBA Champion. The Lakers played all year like a team that could turn it on when they needed to. Against New Orleans, this was a sound strategy! Dallas, not so much. Peja Stojakovic played to exorcise demons that had haunted him since Sacramento's near-miss, and JET simply knew where to be, every time. Amazingly, Dirk has found the balance that eluded him all of his career. He knows when to shoot, when to drive, and when to let his teammates take over. For all the ridicule heaped on Mark Cuban and his fantasy teams, the Mavs have become a beautiful thing.

That is a story but not the story. The story is that Phil Jackson will be returning to Montana to do whatever it is he does there! Let's forgo the normal "Is it for real?" speculation because, well, there is no answer for that. Every indication is his retirement is sincere (until the Knicks job comes open mid season.) Instead of predicting what he will do, I would rather credit him for being the most effective coach in the history of the NBA via his dickishness. Sincerely! Being incredibly self involved prepared Phil for his work very well. He is not a regular nice person, and the people he manages are not, for the most part, regular nice people. It worked really well. Good for him!

But anyone who thinks it's a good idea to take that job and fill his seat should check themselves lest they wreck themselves. Their team is ancient and only getting older, loaded with expensive mistakes and question marks. Kobe is still really really good but not so good that he can conceal the team's shortcomings. Remember when they traded Shaq and Jerry Buss was touching himself thinking about having pious shoe polish head in LA? It'll be like that. Everyone in their right mind will turn down the job, and then an NBA institution with serious health problems will take over. Larry Brown with a gaping wound? Cheryl Miller with shingles? Raef LaFrentz with rug burn? All possibilities!

Brad Childress Embodies Fail

2010-11-02T19:11:00.004-06:00

A lot of things can make someone a bad head coach. You can have poor time management skills. You can fail to get respect from your players and subordinates. You can mismanage money and team resources. You might just be bad at calling plays. Brad Childress combines all of the above, and more. The waiver of Randy Moss is a watershed moment, cementing his incompetence.

Vikings fans can be ambivalent about Brad's shortcomings as long as they are mitigated. Last season made him seem halfway tolerable. There were still plenty of weird decisions and awkward moments, but there was also success. For a while it seemed like there was enough talent and skill to minimize his impact. Maybe even enough to get to a Super Bowl. He still would be a bad coach. But Minnesota would have been happy to deal with that hangover, provided we got a ring.

Now, the bottom has fallen out. Things were dire even before yesterday, now they're hopeless. Childress, unilaterally, has jettisoned a superstar he spent a 3rd round pick to acquire. He's attempting to sell the idea that Randy Moss was an impolite man who was rude to a caterer. Awesome! Good to know. Let's recap. Less than professional behavior towards a man serving food: grounds for waiver. Showing your penis to an unreceptive young lady: keep him on the field even when he's past injured.

There's no opportunity to claim the high ground. Childress is hopelessly devoted to a man who's been exposed as a fraud and a pervert. The Vikings, under his direction, have done anything and everything to cater to Brett Favre's whims. They've willfully ignored a seriously troubling and obviously illegal incident. That's why Randy Moss's waiver is so absurd. Sending away a Hall of Famer and getting nothing in return is foolish. Singling him out as the bad apple is stunningly dumb.

The best case scenario is this is Brad's Waterloo. This is the point where his bizarre behavior and destructive influence becomes too obvious to ignore.

The Decision Three Months Later

2010-10-25T16:42:00.003-06:00

As the NBA season approaches, the biggest story is still the Miami Heat. It has been three months since the Decision, and while it has dropped from the news cycle, the echoes are still ringing. Everyone has an opinion. Everything is studied within the context of his move. Every loss will be amplified as evidence of his foolishness, and every win as vindication. Neither conclusion is correct, but of course, that does not particularly matter.

To the average fan, James is a dick. I am inclined to agree. It was not the fact that he departed his hometown, although that did not help. It was not the prolonged courtship and recruitment process he orchestrated, although that did not help either. It was the intersection of these circumstances, on national television, hosted by Jim Gray, as a phony charity fundraiser. In that moment, the numerous questions about his character crystallized and spread. There is no going back.

The fan has a distance from the issue that enables and disables them. It allows you to take things at face value. You can ignore his undeniable physical and commercial power. An NBA GM does not have that luxury. For a personnel director, whether or not he is a creep matters little. He is one of the best players in the NBA. He has untapped physical potential. He is already an offensive machine, and he improves as a defender constantly. Whenever he plays, the stands are packed and the media froths. David Stern is an economic realist. He believes the NBA must slash salaries to adjust to the status quo. But no matter what happens, the market for all things LeBron remains healthy. Any GM who did not at least examine the chance to have him was not doing their job. Pat Riley loves both risk and attention, and he signed on plenty of both.

But, personality still matters. LeBron, for all he has gained, has lost a great deal through this process. It is no longer possible to sell him as fun loving and easy going. The vitrol produced by is behavior has disassembled the wacky jokester, the prankster. The hometown kid who made good story has been burned and buried. Ohio will never forgive him, nor should they. The business of being LeBron James has become deadly serious. Until he wins a championship, this summer will be his obituary. The stakes of being a Global Icon are appropriately high. Now the Heat must win, or pay LeBron’s debts.

It was particularly poignant to see James so scathingly criticized by Michael Jordan. Jordan was a very different player, but his career is the standard LeBron is attempting to expand upon. His obsession with success above all, combined with his trailblazing marketing has given a generation of players something to aspire to. Michael’s criticism likely chafes at James, but he has remained silent on the subject. This is the wisest choice LeBron has made in some time. This is not because Jordan’s opinion is ill-informed, although it most likely is. Michael has yet to prove to be anything other than terrible at personnel. It is not because Michael is jealous and aches to play again, although he is and does. It is because the content of what Michael Jordan said about the Decision reveals more about himself than LeBron. He did not worry about Cleveland, LeBron’s image, or whether Miami made basketball sense. He merely thought LeBron was a coward for wanting to play with the best. Michael Jordan stands as a pillar of an asshole, and his punditry on James is another moment among many. It is not as galling as telling your children you pity them for living in your shadow, but it is in the ballpark.

Ultimately, LeBron’s fate is in his hands. If Miami wins, that will be the story. Eyes will shift away from the long list of distractions. His enemies list. His choice to deploy the race card. The spiked story on his trip to Vegas. His bizarre, wounded, ad campaign. These things will not disappear. He will still be booed and loathed. But, it will be impossible to ignore his accomplishment. The sooner LeBron is fitted for a ring, the sooner the Decision can begin to fade.

Dwyane is the Man Who Will Fight For Your Honor

2010-07-15T17:50:00.004-06:00

Exciting news! Today, Dwyane Wade is here to tell you that LeBron James didn't quit against Boston. He drove this home by stating "he's not a quitter". (!!!) Yes, the Decisioneers are in championship form already, talking about all kinds of things. They're happy! The Lakers are good! They've been talking about playing together for a while, but not really! Is it just me, or does it feel like the Decision has been on repeat in your brain for the last week? If there was any justice in this world, all of LeBron's life choices would include an hour long televised hand job in a rich neighborhood. The main failure of my life is that this is not the case.

LeBron is not a very smart man. Demanding national airtime so you can tell a girlfriend that it's not her, it's you: less than savvy. Being surprised at the backlash? Also evidence that you are getting bad advice! But, let's be fair. Dan Gilbert is also not thinking very clearly. He has a lot on his plate: yes. But, in his own suave way he has written another plot twist in Sports Tragedies of Cleveland. I don't even know where to start on the whole Comic Sans issue. He just shouldn't have been allowed on his computer for a week or so. Dan's people, lock him out of his office for a while. he will thank you when the steam stops pouring out of his ears.

Overall, it would be great if we could move on. I think this is a spectacular disaster. I have never seen a free agency period with so much blood letting and self flagellation. Can we let it go? It's over with! We just need appropriate punishments for all parties. ESPN can only run actual sports or SportsCenter. No specials! You have specialed yourself out. LeBron and all involved parties, please be silent. High five in private, just let this peter out until the season starts. Dan Gilbert...I feel for you. But some quiet time will do you good.

The NFL Is Playing Games With My Heart

2010-01-31T20:54:00.002-06:00

I couldn't write about the Vikings loss last Sunday. I tried. There was too much aggravation. It would have come out a jumbled mess of dirty words and bald jokes. What made it particularly frustrating was the self destruction. We lost by three, but there were so many opportunities we tossed away. We seemed to be doing everything we could to lose.

Then the NFL admitted they blew a big call in that game. A really big call: one that would have taken an interception of the board if they'd ruled correctly. This is not something I want to know. If I hadn't screamed so much during the game, I'd have yowled like a dying animal. This is not a big hardship. It's a part of being fan that everybody deals with.

But here is a list of preferred NFL announcements:
-They have towed Brad Childress's van and declared his mustache against league policy.
-Because he is so awesome, Adrian Peterson fumbles are a hot potato: if the opposing team touches them, they sit in time out for five plays.
-Bonus points will be assessed for how gritty and earthy he appears in postgame press conferences.
-Free Gucci Mane.
-Prince will be playing every Super Bowl Halftime show forever and ever amen; "Purple and Gold" is cut from the setlist.
-When sacking Aaron Rodgers, Jared Allen is permitted to actually calf rope him.
-Rich Eisen will replace Chris Berman at everything.

The Situation Needs Better Management

2010-01-27T21:09:00.007-06:00

In a moment of negotiations genius, Jersey Shore's the Situation and Pauly D are apparently holding out for more money. MTV offered a deal worth a total of $125,000: $10,000 per episode, plus a $5,000 signing bonus. These walking stereotypes have decided that they deserve a higher pay grade. I watched the whole season. To their credit, they were the most entertaining guys in the cast; carried some weaker episodes and made for good TV. But, I can't think of a worse idea than what they're doing.

It's hard to make money nowadays. The cost of producing a show continues to rise. More and more actors with a lot of film credits on their resume have their own shows. They don't come cheap. Meanwhile, the internet continues to change the number of entertainment options, along with digital TV. The audience is diversified in a way that the older networks didn't have to deal with. A massive hit show now makes up for a tiny percentage of the US population. Profit margins are razor thin. One of the few cheap and effective options is the reality show.

Need to buy script? No you don't! Just get some attractive idiots, buy them some drinks, and press record. What about their paychecks? Most likely, you won't have to: this is probably their only way to be famous. Don't talented people want to be paid? What a silly question! They're not talented. They're young, fit, and have bad judgment. They can't think three hours in the future let alone ten years. Their definition of success is some kind of bizarre morbid 21st century joke. And there a million people waiting for the opportunity.

Situation, smile and take your $125k. Put most of it away, get a stockbroker, buy some property. Think for the long term. Making salary demands is similar to someone wearing a sheet over their head claiming they can't be replaced. You can be replaced. This is a fact. There are plenty of tanned morons who will step into your shoes, and probably for free. Your best case scenario is that ten years from now, someone pays you to hand out drinks and bus tables at a theme party. For the sake of your GTL budget, listen to reason.

Conan O'Brien Goes Out in a Blaze of Dignity

2010-01-14T08:30:00.005-06:00

Conan was the reason I would smuggle a TV up to my room as a kid. My parents had pretty strict rules about TV watching. It was hard enough to get time for any show, so the idea that I'd be allowed to watch something starting at 11:35 was insane. We had a tiny, old black and white set that was probably twenty years older than me. Some nights I'd plan ahead. In the afternoon when nobody was paying attention, I'd take the television from the cedar closet upstairs and hide it under a blanket in mine. Even when I'd get it hooked up I'd have to be careful...but the risk of getting in trouble was worth it. I loved Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

His sense of humor made sense to me. He was a TV star, a celebrity with a lucrative job and a national platform. But, the character he played was a loser. He poked fun at his pale skin, his goofy looks, and his show's limited budget. He was clearly charming and engaging, but willing to depict himself as a goof who couldn't get a date. His skits were simultaneously cerebral and infantile. One of my favorites was the NBC Satellite Dish, where he created 15 second clips of imaginary cable channels. Examples: Not Cool, Zeus, which featured the king of Greek Gods being inconsiderate, and the Battle for Burrito Island, starring Marlon Brando and Roseanne Barr.

His show thrived on this kind of brainy weirdness, which made me wonder whether the Tonight Show would be a good fit. I wasn't lucky enough to watch when it was the kingdom of Johnny Carson; all it had ever been to me was the program for old people. Jokes with no teeth, just a bunch of bland, inoffensive chuckles. How could Conan fit there? But, it was his dream. He'd fantasized about for his whole life: getting the chance to succeed his hero. I watched the first few episodes and was mildly disappointed. But I thought back to the infancy of Late Night, and I felt like he was too smart not to figure it out. It was a new challenge, a new audience, a new coast. Conan loves a challenge.

He turned a graveyard with a tiny budget into one of the funniest shows on TV. When NBA playoff games or the Olympics pushed his show even later, he made devastating jokes about it. He would have figured this out too, but now we'll never know. NBC was too scared, had spread itself too thin, and the truly believed this was their best option. Credit to Conan for not giving up his dream. Good for him for refusing to compromise and roll over for anybody. He will bounce back. He is too smart, too funny, and too determined to let this stop him from sharing his gift. Jokes that make so much sense to you, that you'll watch them on a 7" set and put a hand over your mouth to stop yourself from laughing.

Why I Don't Care Anymore.

2009-06-24T22:37:00.006-06:00

There was a time that thinking about Brett Favre playing for the Minnesota Vikings made my blood boil. In the not too distant past, he was someone I wanted to lose, but respected. Watching the drama play out over the last two years has exposed the side of him that was probably there for a while. I just had seen him beat us too many times not to know he was good. He's not good anymore. He's impatient and has a lot of the bad habits he always did, but not the gun that bailed him out. He's also a prissy little man who needs everyone laying prostrate when he adjusts his Wranglers. Here stands a chemistry killing stiff who doesn't care what anybody thinks. Our team is not moving forward if they sign him. But, I hope they do.

Brett becoming our quarterback and making things worse will get Brad Childress fired, and maybe prosecuted. (Outside chance, I know.) There are a lot of reasons why Brad sucks. He's a weird old man in a weird sweater who smiles like a shark and makes bad grooming decisions. His offensive calls are baffling and expose our franchise player. I am still bitter he beat out Mike Tomlin. But none of these things have gotten him fired. What will is his pride.

Brad Childress has demonstrated he's a guy who makes decisions and holds them no matter what. When people are bold visionaries, this attitude creates dynasties. When Brad does it, it's your grandpa ghost riding the golf cart. Brad is determined. Tavaris Jackson made clear that he wasn't really taking things seriously and the team was better managed by Gus. So, we started Tavaris Jackson because he's "Brad's Guy". We lost. But Childress didn't lose his job.

Dear Brett, this is Zack. I am hoping you will write back! Please be Brad's new Guy! He'll never talk back! Just show up when you feel like it. And make sure you don't train. We'd hate for you to trouble yourself! Looking forward to seeing you! Love, Your New Friend.

Thank You Mike Singletary

2008-11-11T22:18:00.007-06:00

I did not grow up an athlete. I was a tiny dweeb who resented jocks. What drew me into sports was the humanity. The real stories are buried under garbage. We're fed filler about rivalries, personality conflicts, and pouting: sideshow. The revealing things are in the way the player approaches the game. Kobe is an egomaniac, and T-Mac makes excuses for himself. On the field behavior is an excellent predictor of off. Michael Vick had it all in football, but took unnecessary risks, exposing himself to hits. We know how that one played out.

Mike Singletary was a scary man when he played football. He's a scary man today. Nicely groomed, professional, and well spoken. Still not somebody you'd want to annoy. A player coach has only won the Super Bowl once. He didn't get a dream assignment: a cornerstone franchise that won't approach five hundred this year. And now with an added bonus, a quarterback graveyard! Singletary might not succeed. He has already been well worth the investment.

Singletary played with fire. He coaches with fire. He's impulsive, passionate, and unafraid of emotion. He expects to win every game, and he can't stand it when people think differently. Was pulling Vernon Davis from the game a huge risk? Definitely. The coach could not accept such an open act of defiance. Vernon Davis caught a touchdown pass this week, and was throwing crushing blocks. Mike Singletary succeeded as a linebacker by trusting his instincts. That's what he still does. He might not be around for next season. He plays a way that, win or lose, I will always admire.

Plus, he took that photo.

The World is an Ugly, Ugly Place.

2008-07-15T23:17:00.003-06:00

Well, it is 12:20 AM central time here in Austin, Texas, and Dan Uggla is coming to bat. You remember him, he's the guy in the All Star Game who has three errors. And, we're in the top of the 15th inning.

When I tried writing this the first time, there were a lot of dirty words. I talked about how much I love the game is offset by all the things that made me mad about it. To read it, you could picture me hopping up and down in anger and frustration.

We'll now be heading to the bottom of the 15th.

But then I read what I wrote, and I felt like I'm screaming at a wall. Bud Selig may go down as a victim of history. It is possible that he was extraordinarily talented and a victim of an incredible string of bad luck. But, this has been undeniably the ugliest period in the history of baseball. Maybe there were individual things in the past that came close to some of the headlines of the present, but there has never been this concentration of misery, disease, and death. Bud has been the captain of the boat while it's bobbed on the surface, sinking or not sinking, depending on the day.

Bud, I'm not quite sure how you do it, but you ruin everything. Please leave.

I Don't Care About TV Markets.

2007-10-16T06:39:00.000-06:00

The baseball playoffs this year have been a pleasant surprise. There've been close games, extra innings, controversial calls, chubby French relief pitcher meltdowns, depressed people in New York: everything you need for solid entertainment. Also, it has been revealed that the Colorado Rockies are powered by God. Their deep religious commitment and spiritual clarity allow them to field baseballs and run around in a diamond pattern. It's no wonder that they have appeared at this exact moment in time: a victory for Arizona or Philadelphia would have been a vile triumph for Satan.

All blasphemy aside, the games have been a lot of fun to watch. That's what it boils down to: is it worth sitting down and giving your attention for a few hours? But, if the Red Sox are thoughtless enough and decide to get eliminated by the Indians, there will be two small-market teams in the World Series. And, we'll never hear the end of it. Every talking head with a platform will prattle on about what a 'disappointment' it is when something like this happens, and how hard it's been selling ads for these games. Boo-hoo.

There have been a lot of benefits to the expansion of media in sports: increased ease of access, more specialization, and the capability to follow a team out of market, to name a few. There have also been a lot of downsides. The he said/he said male soap opera we breed and feed makes me ill. Another low point has been the 'human interest story', which are neither human nor interesting. But one of my least favorite things has been constantly hearing about media markets.

I understand sports is a business. I understand that the bottom line has to make sense for the teams I enjoy to continue doing what they do. But why oh why must we hear pundits suffer and moan every time a team from somewhere other than New York or California move on? I understand complaining about a bad playoff series. I do that now and I'll continue to. But if the games are well played and fun to watch, let it go. Does anybody need to see New York and Boston play again, ever?

Maybe we can compromise. Every year, if the Yankees and the Red Sox are elminated, we'll have an invitational. All of you people can congregate in a neutral city. Then, you can decide once and for all who's better. Curt Schilling can read Everquest poetry. A-Rod can salsa dance. Then the fans can drink and throw batteries at each other. Whatever it takes: just please stay out of the rest of our hair while we enjoy baseball, OK?

Isiah Thomas is Not Discouraged.

2007-10-04T00:14:00.000-06:00

I wonder what it's like to be a Knicks fan. Do you think they're even capable of being depressed anymore? I imagine them as a rich man who lost all his money, family, and sanity, then got some of that flesh eating facial bacteria for good measure. The kind of person you see wandering around with a hollow look in their eyes. They're beyond the point of pleasure and pain anymore: it's all empty space, waiting for death.

Bleak? Definitely. Dramatic? Certainly. But, I can not imagine a worse position at the moment than being a fan of New York basketball. The preseason hasn't even started yet, but you've spent the summer watching your team embarrass you. Your GM and coach has groped and slurred his way into a $11.6 million dollar hole. Now, you can't even concentrate on sucking. That's the really absurd thing: Isiah Thomas and James Dolan could have been model citizens and perfect bosses, and this team would still be screwed. They've yet to solve the issue of multiple shoot first players starting at guard. To try to shore up the situation in the post, Zach Randolph was smartly acquired. You know that old saying: two overweight players who don't play defense are better than one! He and Jerome can have eating contests, it'll be great.

Isiah isn't discouraged, and at this point, it's hard for me to think he'll ever be. What does it matter? He leaves flaming wreckage wherever he goes and he still gets another job. At this point, he has killed the Knicks from a financial, competitive, and public relations point of view, and he still isn't fired. So, basketball fans of New York, I think it's about time you move on. Isn't Jay-Z bringing the Nets to Brooklyn sometime soon? That sounds pretty cool. Maybe you could go form a line where they're going to put that arena.

Minnesota Doesn't Deserve Your Pity.

2007-10-01T06:43:00.000-06:00

This summer, a long and painful odyssey came to an end in Minnesota. Our franchise player and crown prince Kevin Garnett was cut loose and allowed to play for a different team. I always enjoyed cheering for Kevin: he's an easy guy to like. His skill set is broad, his athleticism is undeniable, and his passion for the game is palatable. But as time moved on, it became clear how cruel it was to keep him within the confines of the Timberwolves.

After 2004's trip to the Western Conference Finals, our fabulous management decided to take a few years off. Or that's just what I tell myself to make it less depressing. Recounting the individual crises and disasters is painful. There was Latrell Spreewell being Latrell Spreewell. Then we traded Sam Cassell for Marko Jaric. Then, there was Michael Olowakandi. I wish the list stopped there, but it doesn't. The point is clear, however. KG deserved something better. He played his heart out, they couldn't return the effort, and now he's gone.

It seems like the Twins may be playing themselves into a similar position with Johan Santana. The 2006 season was an emotional one as a fan. We had basically been left for dead by may. But, we leaned on young players, good balance, and we surged forward to win the division. Sure, I would have loved it if we'd performed better in the postseason, but it was such a step forward that it was hard not to be optimistic about this year. Why wouldn't I? We had the Cy Young, the MVP, and the batting champ. Who wouldn't have high hopes?

This season was a disaster. We should have seen the culture change in the AL Central over the last few years and know that we couldn't afford to coast. The Indians, White Sox, and Tigers are all legitimate teams. Our strong recent history doesn't makea bit of difference to them. What's particularly frustrating about this is our choice to have an off year the season before the last year in Johan Santana's deal. Johan has been a model citizen in Minnesota. He has never complained about being in a small market. He's extolled the virtues of a system that a lot of people couldn't handle. And, he's played his heart out. If he's given the chance, he'll beat every record for pitchers in Minnesota. But there's no reason for him to stay and give us his time if we're not going to return his effort.

This team is not the Timberwolves, thankfully. But, unless we reward Santana's effort by purchasing some offense this winter, we'll be singing the same song: he was great, we weren't, he's gone.

David Stern vs. Oklahoma City

2007-09-27T08:30:00.000-06:00

David Stern fascinates me. As a commissioner of a league that isn't the NFL, his job has a lot of challenges. The NBA has been haunted over the last few years by the perception that it's filled with out of control thugs. The fairness of this opinion could be debated at length. Granted, there are issues like, well, Ron Artest that don't do a whole lot to dispel this belief. On the other hand, football is home to professional dog fighters that bring garbage bags of cash into strip clubs. But, citing leaps of logic like this is ultimately pointless. Fairness doesn't matter: either the public wants to buy your product or it doesn't. David Stern understands this, and has never taken a 'woe is me' approach to his duties. He's been a strong and assertive leader with the ultimate motive of preserving the long term health of the game. The fact that Bud Selig still has a job shows that this isn't a universal standard.

I can't really say that I agree with every decision he's made. Over the last few years, there have been things such as the dress code and the ball that have made me question how much he understands both his audience and his players. But, the arc of his career and the the bent of his choices has been towards basketball being a viable and profitable league. So, that makes me respect him. That, and his willingness to be an absolutely brutal and ruthless decision maker. Have you ever heard this guy give a press conference? The man has balls of steel. When he becomes convinced he needs to do something, his heart instantly becomes made of stone.

This fact makes me think that Clay Bennett and his redneck contemporaries are pretty much screwed. The ownership group out of Oklahoma City got a taste of the NBA experience, and decided that was something they wanted long term. So, they bought the Sonics and immediately started coming up with pretext to move them down south. You know Stern is way too smart to not have perceived this coming, but as long as it was implied, there was not a whole lot he could do. But when Bennett began publicly discussing it, he swiftly fined him, icily telling him that Seattle would at the very least be playing out their lease at Key Arena. Now that OKC has filed arbitration to be released from that obligation, Seattle has in turn filed a lawsuit to keep them there. Maybe this will be sufficient to stop the move. But if it isn't, you'd better believe David Stern is getting involved.

Basketball has been dysfunctional in Seattle, but it doesn't mean that the city deserves to get screwed out of their team. And, as enthusiastic as the fanbase might be, there just isn't enough money in Oklahoma for a relocation to make sense for the NBA. So, you want a battle? Bring it, OKC. Stern isn't scared. He may look like an elf, but he'll mess you up. You should have picked a bitch commissioner to cross. Maybe there's a baseball team available.

The Wonderlic Test is Really Accurate.

2007-09-26T06:13:00.000-06:00

The New Orleans Saints had a great season last year, and the Houston Texans appear to be a team finally headed in the right direction. Still, you have to think it can't be easy to watch Vince Young play for the Titans. Yes, the man proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be mentally handicapped has shockingly ended up being a competent quarterback. I'm not sure who could have anticipated that he'd rise above his disability. After all, this is the first time in his career he's proven doubters wrong and become a success.

In all seriousness, watching VY shred defenses and improve with every game makes the media's assessment of players appear even more haphazard than usual. This is a guy who has succeeded on every level; he's shown leadership, determination, and an absolutely terrifying sense of internal calm under pressure. On Monday night in New Orleans, he made some early mistakes. But, he played under control, and by the the time the 4th quarter rolled around, the game belonged to him. The defining play of the game had to be a 3rd and short. The defense blitzed and he bounced outside, stepping across the 1st down marker, and then back again to avoid a hit. A Saints corner, obviously frustrated, grabbed onto his jersey and rode him out of bounds. Vince returned the courtesy by smacking him in the mouth and staring him down on the way back to the huddle.

By contrast, His Exalted Holiness St. Reggie Bush is struggling. His success in the NFL was all but guaranteed by everybody with a microphone or a keyboard. But, his free form playing style seems to be holding him back, and the bruising back that allowed him his success last season is now gone for the year. His former teammate, LenDale White, described by pundits pre-draft as "fat" and "risky" was clearly enjoying playing alongside Vince Young, and strangely seems to run well despite that fact that he doesn't dance around to avoid tackles. Which is weird: I mean, the guy never scored a touchdown at USC, right? That's the Titans: the team that has no right to succeed but seems to do so anyway. Who would've thought that a national champion QB, a proven bruiser of a running back, and a coach who's been to the Super Bowl could do well. They're like that disabled kid who shot all those three pointers. What was he, artistic or something?

Ryan $heckler is Getting Rich.

2007-09-24T06:09:00.000-06:00

Almost ten years ago, I started to hear about skateboarding's next child prodigy. His name was Ryan Sheckler, and at age 8 he was already turning heads. He quickly started collecting sponsors, winning contests, and getting coverage. Despite this early success, there was a lot of cause to worry about his future. It can be difficult for people who succeed at a young age in a lot of different arenas, and skateboarding is no exception. Plenty of people have started strong, then burned out. So, as I watched Ryan's star rise, there were question marks. Could he handle the pressure? Was this really what he wanted? When he became professional at age 13, it made me wonder again: was he headed for a spectacular collapse?

Well, the good news is he's not a drug addict or a has been. The bad news is that he's about as greedy as you can possibly get. It's not enough for him to have many lucrative contracts, a shoe with his name on it, his face on video games, and to travel around the world skateboarding. No, he and the brains behind his 'brand' decided that it wasn't enough, and they've gotten him his own MTV show. Yes, we the lucky viewing public now get to watch Ryan do things like plan for Winter Formal, whine and moan about his family, show off his wicked back tattoo, and search for that elusive girl who's interested in a 17 year old with too much money and a pro skateboarding career.

If it's not obvious, I find this to be extremely aggravating. Skateboarding has been associated with its fair share of lame things over the years, and a reality show is a huge step backwards. I'm not faulting Ryan for being an annoying teenager, because god only knows, I was one of those too. I'm not complaining about his tanned jock meathead approach to a part of my life that has symbolized the exact opposite to, well, tanned jock meatheads. Not everyone is going to see it the way I do, and he's got just as much right to pick up a skateboard as everyone else. I'm not even faulting him for wanting to make money while he has an opportunity. A career can be capricious, and he or anyone else is wise to try to strike while the iron's hot. What bothers me is the best thing he could think to do is make skateboarding into a second-tier Laguna Beach.

People have done lame things in the name of turning a profit off of skateboarding before. Tony Hawk did a loop for McDonalds, sold Bagel Bites, and pretended like Tom Green was cool. But even then, nobody could claim that he took more than he put in. Tony stuck with skateboarding and helped it grow through the lean years. He ate Taco Bell and did van tours for tiny crowds. He put together a team of unknowns that are now some of the top pros in the culture. Yes, I will always feel ambivalent that he chose to give some legitimacy to ESPN's interpretation of skateboarding. But, ultimately, he put in the work. He was involved when there was no money to be made and stuck with it. Ryan has never known a fallow period. Skateboarding has made him a millionaire before he's 18 years old, and all he can think to do is find another way to milk it dry. What a little creep.

Charlie Weis Might Get Fired.

2007-09-23T22:32:00.000-06:00

In a wonderfully entertaining turn of events, Notre Dame is horrible. I mean, granted, I was convinced they were horrible for a while now, but they've taken it to another level. For the first time in their 119 year history, the Irish are 0 and 4. It was wildly speculated that there'd be some rebuilding after Brady Quinn and, um, those other guys left, but nobody, even me, dared to dream this big. They stink. This week, they scored two offensive touchdowns, and that was cause for celebration: even though they lost by 17.

Rumblings about big ol' Charlie losing his job have already begun. This, a couple years after South Bend tripped over themselves to give him a ten year extension. I'm giddy. It infuriated me to no end to see Ty Willingham shown the door the way he was. Then, it drove me up the wall hearing the calls for Brady's sainthood when he'd yet to win a meaningful game. I'd get a lot of satisfaction watching them get walloped in every bowl game they play. But now, it's a question whether they'll even make it to a bowl game. And, it feels so good.

I don't dislike Notre Dame on principle. I'd be fine with them if they belonged to an actual conference, didn't pad out their schedule with cupcake opponents, and didn't expect a bowl game slot on principle. A couple more seasons like this one, and maybe that will happen. Maybe.

Can't Please Everybody.

2007-06-11T00:08:00.000-06:00

Add me to the chorus of people who have found the latter part of these playoffs almost completely unwatchable. It started with so much promise. The Nuggets opened strong against the Spurs. and the Warriors showed no fear against the Mavericks. The Rockets even jumped out to an early lead. But San Antonio put the wheels down, like they do, and took Denver out of their game from then on. Then, the Rockets predictably went retarded, and the Warriors wild ride came to an end. And then, there was the horribly tragic bloodbath between the Spurs and the Suns. Things didn't get better. The Pistons lost to Cleveland in spite of themselves. They have better balance and more experience. But, they were foolish and played down to the competition. Now, Detroit's laziness and San Antonio's soul crushing brutality have given us this mess of a Finals. One of the most ugly and unbalanced series we could ask for.

It's not a slap to San Antonio or Cleveland. This is the flaw of having to play the games. You could end up with an exciting story and something truly memorable. But because of the structure, there are no guarantees. San Antonio wins games because they know exactly what they do and do it consistently. That, and Tim Duncan is a machine. Hard to watch, but one of the best basketball players of all time. LeBron might be there one day too. But I think it's a sad state of affairs that this was the best that could come out of the Eastern Conference. Again, not LeBron's fault. And, good for all the fans that are getting a thrill out of this. But, when you look at the numbers, you're in the minority. This has been an iffy year. The NBA is loaded with talent, but David Stern seems to have lost his golden touch. Maybe it's just that he's so used to being bulletproof that it's hard to keep his head straight. But, wow, this has been a middling season. We get a fresh injeaction of some world class talent in a matter of weeks, so it's not anything that can't be overcome. It just sucks to love basketball but have no reason to be watching it this week.

I Really Dislike Flip Saunders.

2007-05-15T23:42:00.000-06:00

When the Pistons were steamrolling through the Eastern Conference at the beginning of this year, I got sucked in. The fact is, I like a lot of players who run for Detroit. Rasheed, for sheer entertainment value, is off the charts. Chauncey is clutch and has an infectious swagger. Rip Hamilton plays harder than anyone in the league. Tayshaun can do it all. This is NBA canon. The Pistons have the best combination of starters in the league. But when my friend asked me in March what weaknesses the Detroit had, my answer was automatic: "Flip Saunders is their coach."

It's frustrating being a Minnesota Timberwolves fan. And sure, we just had a terrible, awful waste of a season. We're pissing away good seasons from one of the best combo forwards in the history of the game. Our GM is such a laughingstock that Forbes was exposed as inept by declaring him the best. I get so angry when I think about my favorite team that I'm tempted to punch a baby. But, it feels great knowing Flip isn't steering the ship anymore.

This is not meant to be a painful ode to my misery as a Timberwolves devotee. There are plenty of franchises that have suffered. Forgive me for being spiteful, but I'm glad that someone else is suffering Flip's shtick. He's tempting! He'll string a lot of wins together. He'll manage big egos surprisingly well. He can recognize talent. But when you really need him to keep it together, he goes retarded. The 2004 trip to the Conference Finals was one of the more torturous experiences of my life. That series was completely in Minnesota's grasp, but Flip whittled it down to nothing. We could have been the giant killers who offed the Lakers, but he just couldn't pull the trigger.

So when I watch the Pistons waste time being distracted by Chicago when the sweep was theirs, I'm not surprised. That's what Flip is about. The interesting subplot is Chris Webber, um, uh, being Chris Webber: blowing opportunities to play well in meaningful situations. That's kind of a rant within itself, but, wow, is he ever going to deliver when it counts? How fitting that he'd be led by Flip. Prove me wrong, Pistons. Prove me wrong.

The Beard Owns You

2007-05-12T10:40:00.000-06:00

Well, if you hadn't seen what Baron Davis did to Andrei Kirilenko yet, now you know . It's difficult for me to adequately capture it in words, really. I mean, what do you do when you see someone get publicly humiliated like that? If you're like me, you watch the tape repeatedly. The best part is knowing that AK is no slouch defensively. This isn't a Shawn Bradley situation: he has notoriety as a shot blocker. You wouldn't know it if you saw the nastiness that took place last night. Al Harrington and Adonal Foyle's facial expressions summed it up.

The pressure is still on the Warriors. The Jazz are an incredibly resilient and well coached team that seems willing to play whatever style they need to win. But, Golden State is too good to go quietly. And as many players who have given their all for this playoff run, nobody deserves more credit than Baron Davis. He simply has no fear. Every time up the court looks like it might be his last, and he refuses to take a play off. the unfortunate thing is he's had it in him for a long time. A few years ago he was one of my favorite players and I watched a lot of Hornets games waiting for him to get his due. That never really happened: he couldn't stay healthy and organizational chaos made it difficult for him to achieve.

But now, things are clicking. He has a group of young teammates he feeds off of, and a home crowd and a coach that believe in him. Long gone are the days of whispers that he has personality issues, which in retrospect, considering that they were based off contact with the charming George Karl, probably should have been taken with a grain of salt. Now he's careening up and down the court like he's been shot out of a gun, taking and making shots that defy logic. I want more Warriors wins. Sure, for the great story, the fun to watch teamwork, and the epic home crowds. But mostly, for more Baron Davis.

Dirk is a Lame Duck

2007-05-11T09:16:00.000-06:00

For the last week, whenever I've needed to cheer up, I think about the Mavs/Warriors series. Something might be going wrong, but when I summon up visions of Mark Cuban pouting courtside, I can't help but grin. That matchup is one that I'll remember for a long time. It was one of those rare points where things come together the right way at the right time. Of course, my enjoyment has a lot to do with how I feel about the Mavericks. So, I am sure that this has been a particularly rough stretch for Dallas fans. Everywhere they got here's a reminder of their very public meltdown.

Well, here's another one. Reports are that Dirk will be named MVP this Tuesday. This award is almost never given out this late, which makes me think that the NBA was flummoxed by the situation. Were they really going to give a trophy to the leader of a first round loser? But, the regular season numbers are there, so what exactly could you do? I'm looking forward to the press conference following the announcement because it should be incredibly awkward.

As much as I make fun of Dirk, his clumsy game, his awkward personal demeanor, and his bizarre shot selection, I have nothing against him. I just don't think he's an MVP. The Mavericks brief stint in the playoffs highlighted his shortcomings. Dallas is in an uncomfortable position. He's their prime trade asset and their best scorer, but there's clearly something missing. Do they head to the open market and start over? I am thinking that Mark Cuban is much too proud to do that. So, again, the Mavs are in an odd spot. They have an expensive, talented team that can't quite get over the hump. Maybe this humiliation was enough to send them forward. Considering how the Finals went last year, maybe not. But something has got to change. Until it does, look for the NBA's lame duck MVP to be moping.

Mark Cuban is Depressed

2007-05-04T07:20:00.000-06:00

When I was a little kid, the Dallas Mavericks stank. While the Cowboys enjoyed their golden years, the Mavs struggled to string together any wins. This was reality. They seemed perpetually inept and frustrated, and even draft day boons like Jason Kidd could not change the culture of the team. I remember a radio station promotion where a local DJ promised to live at the station until the Mavericks won a game. He was there for a couple weeks at least.

Things are obviously different now. Dallas had its best season in franchise history on the heels of a finals appearance. Mavs fans have adopted the swagger and confidence that they saved for the Cowboys in years past. This year's playoffs was supposed to be the one in which all old ghosts were exorcised. The roster depth was there, and many believed that Avery Johnson was the one that could finally carry them over the hump. But now, as they've exited in the first round against a huge underdog, that dream is deferred for at least another year.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have never been a Mavs fan. My loyalty is with Minnesota, and Dallas's dramatic reversal of fortune was never enough to change that. I can't stand Mark Cuban's ego-driven antics. I've come to believe that as much as he does to support his team, he does much more to undermine them. And, I've never bought the idea that Dirk Nowitzki is a franchise player. Despite his incredible skill as a scorer, Dirk's defense, intensity, and leadership have always been lacking. Nowhere was that more apparent than last night in Oakland. When it came down to it, Dirk's team needed him, and he disappeared.

But, it'd be a mistake to think of this just as a series that the Mavericks lost. The Golden State Warriors won, and earned it. They survived repeated spurts of terrible officiating that kept their best players out of the game. They fought through injuries. They played a shallow rotation with a small forward at center and showed no fear whatsoever. The Warriors simply refused to lose. They took shots that defied all logic and made them. They played with such intensity and drive that you couldn't help but be pulled in. Golden State played like the higher seed. They believed in themselves and now they've won what will probably end up being the most memorable series in the playoffs, if not the decade. I feel lucky to have gone along for the ride.

Evil Robot Army Suffers Defeat

2007-04-23T08:25:00.000-06:00

As a Timberwolves fan, I've gotten through this season by focusing my attention elsewhere. There's only so many times you can read about your team getting pantsed before it starts to wear on you. So, instead of soaking in contradictory statements like "We're rebuilding the team" and "We're not trading KG", I get good basketball where ever I can find it. One of the objects of my affection has been the Denver Nuggets. As I have said, I think the trade for Allen Iverson was a wonderful thing for both parties. The results didn't pay out immediately. Denver struggled at times to establish an identity and mesh as a unit. But, things came together at the right time, and the Nuggets hit a good rhythm to finish the year.

However, their match-up with the San Antonio Spurs in the first round had a lot of people talking about next year prematurely. I suppose you can't blame fans for assuming this would be a lopsided series. After all, the Spurs have been there. They're tough to beat, they defend well, and their stars play ugly yet effective basketball. Still, I picked the Nuggets. Why? Idealism, I guess. I don't want to believe that what San Antonio does is inevitable. I'd rather not accept that Manu Ginobli's flailing and flopping is the class of the NBA. I can't resign myself to thinking Bruce Bowen's constant karate chops to the head is beautiful basketball. The part of me that really loves the game wants to see A.I. and Melo still playing in June, not San Antonio's robot army.

So, today, I awake refreshed. For today, at least, idealism has won out. The Nuggets played good enough to win, and did it while having one of their least effective offensive games. Shockingly, they stayed in this one by playing merciless team defense for four quarters. And, when the Spurs made their runs, Denver did not panic. Iverson put them on his back in rough patches, heating up as the game went on. Carmelo had an incredible killer instinct and kept his temper despite the constant Bruce Bowen slaps to the face. Nene and Camby welcomed contact and made San Antonio look disorganized in the post, if not soft. It was an exciting game, and it only left me wanting more.

I don't assume this means the Nuggets have this locked up. The Spurs know what they're doing and will likely reach deep in their bag of dirty tricks for Game 2 and beyond. But, if anything, Denver has established they're not to be underestimated. Hopefully that means we'll be seeing them in the second round.

Carroll Dawson is Retiring

2007-04-03T20:13:00.000-06:00

I have no comment that can improve upon this photo.

When it comes to professional sports, the job that any average jerk will tell you that he could do better is general manager. This is a natural thing to do. As fans we want to believe that we're the final piece that could make a difference for our teams. But, players and coaches tend to have an actual background in sports. People like us, we don't have a background in sports. We have a background in eating and watching sports on TV. So, being a GM becomes the daydream. What does the boom in fantasy sports leagues represent, other than a desire to call the shots?

But, a look around any professional sports league demonstrates that not very many people are good at managing a team. And, as easy as pointing and clicking players around seems, being a real GM involves so much more. You have to have an incredibly perceptive eye for pro talent. You need a shrewd sense of finance and long term budgeting. You must differentiate between a time to be patient and a time to demand results. You're forced to manage some of the largest egos in the world. And this just scratches the surface. We think of the rare few in this profession that do it well as geniuses. Well, right along with the Theo Epsteins and the Bill Bellichicks of the world, I believe there's another name to consider: Carroll Dawson.

You probably have no idea who he is. But, he's been leading the Houston Rockets for 26 years. When he steps down after this season, he'll have 4 division titles, 4 conference titles, and two championships to his credit. More importantly for the fans of Houston, he'll leave his team healthy and with a powerful and well balanced roster. Dawson has had an incredible track record when it comes to recognizing talent and taking risks: Hakeem Olajuwon, Sam Cassell, and Yao Ming are demonstrations of this. He has also been skilled at efficiently fixing mistakes and moving the team in the right direction. And, if you dispute this one, I have two words for you: Steve Francis. But, perhaps most importantly, Carroll Dawson knows how to spend money.

The quickest way to hurt your team long term is to spend their money foolishly. The best player available is not necessarily the best player for your team. High performing squads are rife with guys that aren't dominant. They simply do a few things very well, and have a coach that puts them in the position to do them. A good GM looks for players like that. Bad GMs treat their jobs like fantasy sports and look for the biggest names and highest risk. Here's an example: the Houston Rockets currently pay four players more than $5 million a year. The New York Knicks? Eight players. Unless there's some new kind of eight on eight basketball that I'm not aware of, that's a whole lot of money for splinter duty. In fact, he's paying over $7 million for Malik Rose. Malik Rose! That's not even beginning to consider the people who don't play for the Knicks that Isiah Thomas cuts checks to every month.

Truly, there's no better point of contrast to emphasize Carroll Dawson's superb record than Isiah Thomas. It only took Isiah a couple years to run the CBA straight out of existence, and a couple more to turn the New York Knicks into a flaming car crash. Dawson has been in Houston for two and a half decades and things are still humming along nicely. So, when he steps down after this year, be grateful, Rockets fans. The next Thomas or McHale may be waiting for you around the corner. Let's hope not.

Josh Smith is Coming of Age

2007-03-28T14:39:00.000-06:00

This is not a car, although I have it on good authority that some cars are blue.

For a while now, the Atlanta Hawks organization has been purgatory for NBA players. It's hard to imagine a more depressing situation. Empty stands, bad management, and no leadership are symptoms of the problem, but you get the feeling that it goes deeper than that. Like, for example, those jerseys that make them look like 70's McDonald's employees. Or the fact that they addressed their dire need for a point guard by drafting another small forward. It makes you think that there's an angry ghost haunting this franchise. you know, one of those angry ghosts that forces you to make stupid decisions for five years.

But, Joe Johnson ignored all logic last season and signed (willingly!) to a contract with Atlanta. So when he was having his best season this year, the angry ghost would not have it, and he went down with an injury. What happened then? Well, since making the playoffs is out of the question, there were two options. The first was tanking. This is apparently a pretty cool thing to do this year. I say this because Boston is doing it, and boy do I love Boston. There's no way this doesn't make sense. You order a bunch of pathologically competitive people to lie down for the rest of the year, killing your chemistry and emasculating your coach. But it's all worth it, because when you get that top draft pick, everything is fixed. You are bathed in a shower of rainbows and diamonds, and you're awarded the NBA championship for being so god-damned clever.

The other option is the one that Atlanta picked, and that's play through it. Players like Josh Childress and Josh Smith took advantage of the hole in the offensive picture and have stepped up. I find this to be particularly encouraging for Josh Smith. He's always been a freakishly good athlete, but questions remained about how effective he really is in-game. For example, yes, he could jump over a car, but when do you see a car on the court? Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked: Josh Smith has been playing really well. Well enough to where there's no reason he shouldn't be starting next to Joe when he comes back. Sure, they're not a good team yet, but not quitting this year has set them up for good things in the next. I'll always think losing now to win in the future is a stupid idea. Boston, go ahead and ask Atlanta how that's worked out for them so far.

Kevin Durant is Going to Cost You

2007-03-21T09:31:00.000-06:00

Kevin your mom is a fox. She'd look good in green.

As a Texas fan, now is the winter of our discontent. If you came to Austin you couldn't tell, however. The humidity is nearly unbearable and we've hit eighty degrees a few times in the last week. But, truly, these are the times that try souls when it comes to Texas basketball. Despite the sky high talent of the roster, Longhorn fans have endured a frustrating end to the season. First, there was the Kansas game in the Big XII championship that mirrored our previous performance against them. We had a big lead, all of the momentum, and then choked it away by playing the Mavs to their Heat. Then, in the first round of the tournament, we nearly blew what should have been a walk against vastly inferior New Mexico State. Finally, and possibly mercifully, we were knocked out by a USC team that just wanted it more. So what now?

I could pretend that there's a lot of things that this team has to consider. For example, what the hell happened to D.J. Augustin, the baffling game management of Rick Barnes, and recruiting for the upcoming season. However, the thing on everybody's mind is Kevin Durant. I realize that, in all likelihood, he will choose to go pro. The money waiting for him is excellent, and the risk for injury if he chooses to stay is large. However, he has not declared his intention for the draft, making him a taboo topic for anyone employed by an NBA team. So far, both Don Nelson and Michael Jordan have earned fines for mentioning him even in the most indirect way. Not to be out doofus-ed, Danny Ainge took the cake by sitting next to Kevin's mom during the Big XII tournament. While I love watching him be so stupid, and revel in watching him pay a fine for his trouble, truly, all this does is fill me with dread. Fines be damned: couldn't the NBA tell Danny he isn't allowed to draft Durant? I know they won't, but, seriously, the thought of seeing our golden boy mismanaged by the Boston idiot factory gives me chills. He deserves better! At least he could play for the logo in Memphis. Skip the draft this year, Kevin. Enjoy the cornucopia of beautiful women and delicious barbecue available to you here. Do whatever you can to stay out of Celtic green. I beg you.

The New York Knicks are Totally Fixed

2007-03-14T07:52:00.001-06:00

When I was sitting down to put together some thoughts for this post, I realized how often I've talked about Isiah Thomas and the bizarre situation in New York. I'm not a Knicks fan. I'm just fascinated by how bad things have gotten. What would it take to make a regime change happen? It seemed that this would be the season where Isiah would finally end up unemployed. Then, maybe, the abused and overwhelmed Knick loyalists could move on.

Well, it doesn't look like that's going to be happening any time soon. In a stunning turn of events, Thomas has been given a multi-year contract extension as both coach and general manager. Admittedly, compared to last season, there has been a turnaround. Starbury has miraculously ceased to implode, Eddy Curry has started trying, Jamal Crawford has been huge, and David Lee has provided some excellent energy off the bench. They're in the hunt for the playoffs, and have rallied their way through tough injuries.

Still, this decision making seems, at best, extremely premature. Dolan had previously been firm that he would make no decision until after the season, which seemed like a logical idea. What changed? Wouldn't it make sense to take stock of the season as a whole, playoffs included? And even if you like the dynamic between Isiah and his players, why retain him as GM? Even if he is able to be effective as a coach, there's no question he's a complete disaster when it comes to personnel.

I should be eating more crow here. Isiah Thomas has managed to string together some wins, and he deserves credit for doing so. But, I can't help but feeling a palatable sense of dread when I consider the future of the franchise. Maybe I'll be completely proven wrong, and things will work out beautifully. But, I think Knicks fans have gotten a reminder. Isiah Thomas is a symptom, and James Dolan is the disease.

Rites of Spring

2007-03-08T16:20:00.000-06:00

Whoops, wrong Santana.

Once a year, spring starts to peek its head around the corner, and we happy few baseball fans begin what has become a seasonal ritual. It goes by many names, but what it boils down to is, hope. Hope that this is the year for your team. Hope that Barry Bonds won't break the record. Hope that Bud Selig will make a few decisions that won't completely embarrass the league. As foolhardy as some expectations may be, they seem reasonable in the favorable light of spring.

Of course, reality can set in very quickly. High expectations give way to sobering facts. The Kansas City Royals will still be the Kansas City Royals. Jeffrey Loria will continue to do whatever he can to undermine his team. (Will someone give Joe Girardi a managing job?) Steinbrenner will overspend with wild abandon, and threaten to torch the whole operation when no World Series ring results. After spring, summer, then fall. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

As a Twins fan, last year was an odd experience. We began with a promising core, but quickly found ourselves overwhelmed in a now powerful division. The Detroit Tigers were for real? Honestly? Things were pretty grim. But, proving their mettle once again, Minnesota management stayed the course, made a few key moves, and the team pulled together. And when I say 'pulled together', I mean 'kept the White Sux' out of the playoffs. Sure, the first round exit was frustrating. But to have been written off so early only to come back was a satisfying feeling.

Of course, now we're back to reality. The incredible surge of last year and Justin Morneau's AL MVP has created high expectations. But, a lot of questions remain. Will the surprising Francisco Liriano be able to come back in time for this year? Can Matt Garza settle into a groove? How will Torii Hunter go out in what'll probably be his last season in Minnesota? What of BOOF BONSER? Personally, I think the outlook this year is excellent. Our coaches have a proven record of developing young players, and this team is stacked with them.

So, in the meantime, I'm trying to not get too excited. There are so many games to be played, that logically, there's no point. Still, every spring, it's hard not to grin. Optimism is contagious.

I Would Like the Celtics to Win More Games

2007-03-06T22:44:00.000-06:00

I represent a big shift in the culture of ESPN, because I'm a smarmy kid who went to prep school.

I find myself in a strange position lately. I've been enjoying seeing the Celtics on their four game winning streak. I was getting pretty discouraged, but this young team is coming together down the stretch and it's encouraging. Sure, they're out of the playoffs, but they have a chance to get out of the basement. I, for one, would love to see that. The thing is, I'm not a Celtics fan. I'm just a Bill Simmons non-fan. And if the Celtics winning a few games means Boston doesn't get their hands on my sweet baby Kevin Durant, then that's what needs to happen.

Bill Simmons has been openly salivating about the prospect of Durant landing in Beantown for a while now. I feel violated. There's no team I feel more strongly about than the Longhorns. And, there's no "journalist" I have grown to strongly dislike more than Bill Simmons. His extreme self-obsession, mind numbing repetition, and general assery are annoying of themselves. The knowledge that he represents a huge success story in sports media today is a curious statement on the genre. And, damn you Bill, I've enjoyed Kevin, and I don't want to share him with you.

I don't want to read you gloating about how he's on your team. I don't want him to become another object of your superiority complex. Watching Durant has been a rare experience. His absurd level of talent, calm, controlled demeanor, and incredible skill have made this my favorite Longhorn season ever. Seeing him play in person was something I'll remember for the rest of my life. I don't want those memories tainted by seeing him in green. I know how you people operate! You took Paul Pierce from the Big XII, too. He was beautiful! Now look what you've done to him...what Danny Ainge did to him. Kevin can't fix Danny, Bill.

So please, Celtics, pull together. Play harder than you ever have. Texans appreciate your dedication.

Scottie Pippen Dislikes Houston

2007-03-04T22:41:00.000-06:00

Here are the beautiful white people who have problems.

In part of an ongoing effort to remind fans of the Rockets that they spent money on him for no reason, Scottie Pippen is considering a comeback. This is exciting news for people who make a living talking about stuff like this. However, I think it's stupid. I'm not attempting to say that there's no way he has the skills to be a roleplayer. But, if you did happen to catch him play for Houston, you'll know that it was one of the most epic phone-ins in sports history. What's so different, Scottie? Maybe he's bored. Maybe he's now a cyborg? Even eliminating the cyborg possibility, it sure is annoying knowing how often good NBA players phone it in.

What else do I have to talk about? Hmm, that show Brothers and Sisters is pretty terrible. This show is part of a meaningful genre in American television and film called Beautiful White People with Problems. Everyone is impossibly attractive but also compulsively self obsessed and earthy and wise. And they all have really complicated problems. Most of the show is them repeating each others' names to each other and overacting. The fact that I have seen enough of this to describe it to you indicates I'm a masochistic. Which, I guess shouldn't be surprising when you consider that I used to watch Lifetime Movies for Women by choice.

I would like to be on an episode of Brothers and Sisters. I would be the black sheep brother who came back from exile. My return to the family would be poignantly shot. I'd walk slowly up from the sunset as Calista Flockhart would gasp and look constipated. My recovering addict brother would tell me the day I turned my back on him was the day he started letting drugs run his life. I would weep and tell him that he would understand one day. My gay brother would then find out my dark secret: that I'm now a voodoo priest. I'd command zombie armies and soon Sally Field would have a thirst for brains. I know this is a bold new direction, but I need your support here. It sounds crazy, but it feels like Beautiful White People with Problems might be in a rut.

The Next Best Thing to Being Nude

2007-03-02T11:36:00.000-06:00

Remember Starter jackets? I was too broke to have a legit one. In '92 my mom took me to JC Penny's and I got the second tier version. Still, I loved that jacket. It was incredibly gaudy: a black, white, and red pattern with huge Chicago Bull head on the back. In fact, a sketchy girl in my class asked if she could 'borrow' it to wear to Six Flags over the weekend. Because I'm smooth, I didn't answer and ran the other direction.

The point I'm trying to make is, when you were young you were allowed to express your fandom with wild abandon. But, as I've aged, I've been struck by how ugly and sub-standard most fan gear is. So, let's say jerseys are just a little too much for you. You want good design, but the self-fellatio of Brand Jordan makes you nauseous. What are your options? Well, if you don't mind paying a premium, some of them are quite good.

Of the companies making high-end sports themed gear, each tends to offer a different aesthetic. Undefeated, the maker of the shirt pictured above, focuses on the raw power of athletics and their unspoken sense of intimidation. Supreme celebrates the dangerous and taboo, evident in their upcoming line centering around Mike Tyson. No Mas takes a more scholarly approach, using their encyclopedic knowledge to point out many of the more comic, and frequently tragic, aspects of sport. Under Crown celebrates the early 90's mingling of basketball and hip hop. Lemar and Dauley create gaudy reflections of the athlete as a larger than life star. FALSE recently got Kevin Garnett's blessing to collaborate on a series of tees. And this only scratches the surface.

I'm well aware the idea of a 'high-end t-shirt' is ridiculous. But for those of us who can stomach the price tag, there's an awful lot of cool stuff to be had out there lately.

The Eternal Struggle

2007-02-28T23:44:00.000-06:00

You know a rivalry is polarizing when it causes you to think illogically. I pride myself on trying to look past stereotypes. Ideally, I'd hope to overcome misconceptions and take every human being at face value. But when I think of Texas A&M Aggies, I immediately imagine them as redneck cavemen who are ready to invade Poland. This makes no sense. Some of my favorite people and closest friends in my lifetime went to A&M. But, when you say that, that word: Aggie...I don't know. I have bad thoughts. The better part of my nature says, "Hey, it's just a game." And then, there's the dominant portion that says, "They're all mongoloid hayseeds until they prove otherwise."

That's what makes college rivalries great. The emotions run deep and take over. Tonight's matchup between Texas and Texas A&M was no exception. This was one of those games that extend from wire to wire and leave you feeling spent. Twice, it looked like Texas was in a position to close out and seal the victory. Twice, the ball ended up in Acie Law IV's hand, and he made something happen. His performance was truly remarkable. There's no doubt in my mind he has a chance to be a remarkable player at the next level. The game almost slipped away from him multiple times, but he just willed the Aggies back into it. If Texas A&M can get their fouling under control, they're going to be terrifying in the NCAA Tournament.

But, Texas had answers. Kevin Durant was predictably clutch and incredible. So was D.J. Augustin, who'd be considered a much better prospect if he wasn't dribbling in Durant's shadow. This win may not put Texas over the top in the rankings, but it's a step in the right direction. More importantly, it's a huge psychological victory for a team that needed to prove its toughness to itself. The Aggies play a dirty and physical game, but Rick Barnes's team gritted their way through it. And besides, who wants to lose to cavemen twice a year?

Tim Hardaway Opposes Your Gay Agenda

2007-02-16T08:38:00.000-06:00

When John Amaechi came out, it became inevitable that someone was going to say something stupid. Shavlik Randolph, Steven Hunter, and others made some ignorant comments. Nothing particularly strong or hateful, just middle-school insecurity. I should be encouraged by this. Hell, it'd be great to think that everyone in pro sports was ready to accept the idea of a gay teammate. I'm sure most athletes have played with homosexuals during their careers, but a world where jocks felt free to be out in public would be very different. Still, there was a small part of myself that couldn't wait for the NBA's Carl Everett, whoever he might be, to stick his foot in his mouth. You know, to use a public platform to declare his opposition to the gay/dinosaur invasion. To take a stand against John Amaechi and his vile plans to subvert pro basketball with the collaboration of Fagosaurus Rex.

Tim Hardaway may not have taken it that far, but he got his sneakers pretty well planted in his throat. On Dan Le Batard's radio show, the former Warriors and Heat star made a series of inflammatory comments when asked how he'd react to having a gay teammate. When the host gave him an opportunity to soften his stance, Hardaway refused, proudly labelling himself a homophobe. Tim didn't stop there, using a later interview to claim that his feelings were shared by many NBA players, and that he'd hate a gay family member too. How incredibly sad. Amaechi got it right when he responded that Hardaway's comments weren't the problem. The fact is, he's probably speaking for a lot people. Most are probably just too smart to blow endorsement and other employment opportunities for the sake of getting their opinion out there.

Now we get to the strange part. The object of so much of my ire up until this point, Isiah Thomas, has been the gold standard in responding to this situation:

We're a diverse society. We preach acceptance. We're proud of our diversity. No matter what your sexual preference might be, there's an acceptance and a tolerance level that should be accepted everywhere. No one should be excluded. Sports has always been a testing ground for what society will or won't accept. We accept and we embrace diversity. If we're not tolerant, we'll become tolerant...If it's in my locker room, we won't have a problem with it. I can't speak for somebody else's locker room, but if it's in mine, we won't have a problem. I'll make damn sure there's no problem.

Wow. I feel so conflicted! This is like when I started to see Kobe like something other than a total ball hog. I don't know how to feel. Isiah Thomas said and did the right thing, and came off as genunine when he did it? Where exactly do I go from here? Say what you want about Isiah, I know I have, but he's not a homophobe. So, to review, he's a terrible GM, an iffy coach, a bad businessman, a serial groper, a baby seal clubber, but not a homophobe.

Prince Declared MVP of Super Bowl XLI

2007-02-06T15:09:00.000-06:00

After confirmed badass Devin Hester ran back the opening kickoff for 92 yards and a touchdown, it appeared that all was right with Super Bowl XL1. The scrappy underdog was winning, Peyton Manning was pouting, and the biggest game of the year was being played outside in real football weather. Peyton's opening drive did little to dismiss his reputation as a lifelong choker. He threw two passes that should have been interceptions, and then finally the Bears obliged him with a pick. Things did not look good.

Of course, we all know that four hours later, he'd pulled it out anyway. The monkey was off his back, now Dan Marino can get back to being Dan Marino, etc. But, for all the credit that was due, I could not help but chafe when he was named MVP. Hadn't they been watching the game? Dominic Rhodes and Joseph Addai solidified that victory: wasn't it obvious? Maybe he was awarded the trophy as a study in contrast. That is, he's not Rex Grossman, so he was a shoo-in.

Maybe this sounds like sour grapes, but it's not. Peyton Manning is a good quarterback, and the story of "will he ever win the big one" was getting so old it's not even funny. But nothing Peyton did in the Super Bowl screamed MVP, and his performances in the rest of the playoffs were even worse. Manning finished with 3 touchdowns and 7 interceptions after four games. That's just embarassing! If the Colts had lost, everyone would be publicly taking him to task for letting down his team. But thanks to the brilliant coaching of Tony Dungy, he's raking in the kudos. Serious, hats off to Dungy. Peyton hasn't changed a bit: he still sucks in the playoffs. His coach just figured out how to work around it.

Are You Too Good For Your Home?

2007-01-11T22:56:00.000-06:00

Michelle Wie makes millions of dollars a year. How? Well, currently she's stacking that green by shooting eight over par through nine holes at the Sony Open. Pretty sweet work, if you can get it. Since turning 'pro' at age sixteen, Michelle has won a grand total of zero events. That's thirty-three professional women's tournaments without a win, and one made cut out of twelve in men's tournaments.

So why is she a professional? Well, I suppose the reasoning has to do with the fact that she generates cash, and a lot of it. There aren't many asians above six feet who can hit a ball 280 yards. So, Nike, Omega, and Sony assume that'll give them a great opportunity to tap into her market. You know, the market of six foot asians with faces like a shovel. But, this also seems to be based on the Kwame Brown Theory of professionalism. That is, if someone has qualities that indicate they could become good, get in on the ground level. I don't agree.

The teenage years are key for the development of a human being: for an athlete especially. Not only are they growing into their bodies, but also their minds. They're figuring out how to be confident, how to deal with pressure, and what they want out of life. Tiger Woods, Michelle's idol, understood this, and didn't go pro until age 20. Would you have been able to handle the problems of being a paid professional at age 18? I know I wouldn't have. Obviously, the risk for someone to have their growth stunted is high. I mean, really, look at Kwame. He's just now reaching the level of "pretty OK", and he'll be 25 in two months. Imagine what it could have been like if they'd paced his development more carefully.

Obviously, this issue is not simple. There are success stories when it comes to athletes who turn pro young: Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, and Lebron James, to name a few. How can you pass up big money when it's available? Who's to say they won't get injured and not have opportunities like this down the road? All these are valid points. But, watching Michelle stink it up makes me wonder if she doesn't wish she could go back to hitting balls on the driving range. Because, right now, she's not a valid professional. She's more like Happy Gilmore. She gets invited to tournaments because she can hit the ball far and draw a crowd. That's not a solid foundation for a career.

Joumana Kidd Will Kick Your Ass

2007-01-10T22:22:00.000-06:00

In one of the more bizarre and unfortunate stories of this season, Jason Kidd has filed for divorce from his wife Joumana, citing spousal abuse. Jason's attorneys claim she became increasingly more paranoid and angry, going so far as to hit him and throw things. The complaint also states that she used one of their kids to steal his cell phone and harass every number he'd dialed. Granted, it's easy to question the idea of a 5'2" model attacking a 6'4" professional athlete. Especially a 6'4" professional athlete whose been previously cited for domestic violence. This fact hasn't gotten past Joumana's crack legal team:

He says he's threatened by her? He's a star athlete. She's 5-foot-2 I think, and 105 pounds. It's shameful what he did here. The truth will come out.

I, however, don't think it's beyond belief. Kidd was completely contrite about his past and addressed the issue without hesitation. Joumana may not have a size advantage over him, but she would understand the public perception and know that people would be likely to side with her. And it's also reasonable to believe that Jason had a hard time defending himself. He not only knew how it was going to look, but that if he did respond, he could truly hurt her. Of course, it's ultimately difficult to know exactly what happened here. Thankfully, the authorities got involved and it can play out in public. Besides, the fact that Jason filed a complaint made me think it's probably true. How many pro athletes would be willing to say publicly that their pixie sized wife was knocking them around?

The subplot of this situation is how it affects the Nets. With three genuine stars and some developing young players, the Atlantic should be theirs to win. But, they're sitting at 15 wins and 19 losses. I asked my friend James what he thought was wrong with them:

Lawrence Frank is one horribly unlucky coach. He's great though. If the Nets are dumb enough to fire him, I think it will set back the franchise about 5 years. There isn't any real possible improvement they could make in the coaching department. The problem for them is bench depth and injuries. I could make a strong argument that Krstic is the best player in the NBA that only makes $1 million. P.S. Eddie House stinks.

Well put. When you're limited to relying on three players to carry you, one of those players going through a bitter divorce and custody fight can't help you out. In any division in the West, this would be a death penalty. In the East, I can't imagine it'll keep them out of the playoffs.

O Who?

2007-01-02T00:30:00.000-06:00

WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN!!!!

Chris Petersen and Bob Stoops met in Glendale Arizona to settle a bet: who had the bigger stones? Bob was picked as the winner long before the contest ever began. After all, his balls have had a long and illustrious career, he'd earned it. But, the man from Boise State would not be intimidated. He came out swinging, taking advantage of some early mistakes and proving he deserved to be there. But Bob, just like you knew he would, came roaring back. Too bad that Chris Peterson just has bigger balls. They're huge, and if you watched the 4th quarter and the overtime, you'd know it was true.

When I started out watching this game, I thought most of what I would have to say about Boise State would involve their quarterback. Specifically, that he looked like a Creed concert. But yeah, he's a baller. He did what ballers do and recovered. He's an amazing quarterback, and should be given an opportunity at the pro level. But for real, if a guy who looked like him started dating your sister, you would be pissed. Even as he spoke to the post game reporters after winning it all, I couldn't help but be distracted by his bad facial hair and tribal tattoo.

And to repeat the standard argument, yes, this is an incredible argument for a playoff system. Hopefully we can get this resolved in the decade. There are just too many good small schools who deserve their chance. My appreciation of Bob Stoops is documented, but you were not publicly pantsed by Chris Petersen in vain. Woo UT won our bowl. Minor gloating. San Antonio has a river with an area you can walk on, I'm told.

This is How We Ride...

2006-12-20T09:15:00.000-06:00

Up until a couple weeks ago, Allen Iverson was in the same boat as Kevin Garnett. One of the best at his position, he'd been cursed with bad management. His playoff opportunities had been limited, and he had been given very few complementary teammates. But, a combination of factors had kept him with the team that drafted him. His marquee value and star power made him difficult to move, and he knew better than to publicly complain.

Something changed. Frustrated with his lack of opportunities, and over being openly shopped during the summer, Allen made known his desire to get out. The Sixers did not disappoint: they handled the situation poorly, taking over a week to hammer out a deal. But, yesterday, things worked out about as well as they could for Iverson. He was sent to Denver to play alongside Carmelo Anthony, already a prolific scorer, but with plenty of room for growth. For the first time in his career, AI will be paired with a genuine superstar. Just as important, he has a coach in George Karl whose fast-paced, high-powered offensive attack suits his style.

I have no qualms in stating that Allen Iverson (along with KG) is my favorite NBA player. His high energy and aggressive play is only rivalled by his pure passion and unfiltered personal behavior. He's suffered through an incredibly trying life, but has used his experiences to build his character. He drives fearlessly on men twice his size, falls down, and gets up every time. He's not afraid to admit he makes mistakes, but refuses to apologize for his background or his personality. I don't think we'll ever see another player quite like him. I also do not hesitate to say that demanding a trade in no way tarnishes his career. Billy King has given him nothing to work with. Then he paraded him around like a whore this summer, despite Iverson's long standing loyalty to Philadelphia. And no, I don't think getting Chris Webber qualifies as a quality teammate. I have written about this at length in the past, but I will summarize my issues with CDUBBZ with the following list:

#1. He's soft like a marshmallow: a chameleon who can stack numbers in meaningless situations, but who morphs into the bitchiest of bitches in the clutch.
#2. See #1.

I also firmly believe that Allen will be re-energized by his re-location to Denver. Having spent so much time in the shittiest of situations, he will truly appreciate the opportunity he's being given and take full advantage of it. I won't be so bold as to claim the Nuggets are now a lock for the playoffs, but I can say with absolute certainty that nobody in their right mind wants to see a motivated AI and Melo against their team. Hopefully Billy Hunter can get Anthony's idiotic suspension reduced; I'm eager to see the new-look Nuggets on the court as soon as possible. Nobody deserves this chance more than AI. I can't wait to see what happens.

Isiah Thomas is Bulletproof.

2006-12-18T13:40:00.000-06:00

Keep your chin up, Zeke. John's proud of you!

Note: George Karl hit the nail on the head. I really hope someone decides this absurd situation is worth appealing

David Stern decided that he's on a roll from all the crappy decisions he's made lately, and handed out suspensions for the incident at MSG. The terms ranged from fifteen games to one, Carmelo Anthony receiving the worst of it. This isn't the part that I have a problem with. Melo ran up to a situation that was already bad, but settliing, and made it much worse by throwing a sucker punch. I might not have made it for so many games, but the message is clear: don't escalate things. That's not a bad point to get across.

The issue I have is the glaring omission from the list: Isiah Lord Thomas III. (I looked it up, that's really his name. Kind of awesome, don't you think?) It would stand to logic that someone in a leadership role who precipitated the conflict would be punished. Stern didn't seem to think so, saying that he only relied on "definitive information" when handing out punishment. Well, Isiah's caught on tape issuing warnings to players. And, he also followed that up with some absurdly smarmy post game comments on how Collins did the logical thing. So yeah, you're right David, not definitive at all. Good thing Stern doesn't run the NCAA or John Chaney would still have a job at Temple.

Some are going to say that the $500,000 fine levied at the Knicks and the Nuggets sends the message. I don't buy it. James Dolan and Isiah Thomas clearly have no concept of money. Hell, they're currently paying Jalen Rose millions not to play basketball for them. $500,000 is minor figures. I tried to convince himself that David Stern would be so incensed by this incident going down in his backyard that he'd drop the hammer. No such luck. Isiah Thomas continues to make New York into a bad joke, and everyone suffers but him.

Isiah Thomas is Unstoppably Incompetent

2006-12-18T00:23:00.000-06:00

There's an old story. It's about an explorer and a rattlesnake. One day, the explorer is travelling through the wilderness, and he comes upon a rattlesnake trapped underneath a rock. The snake begs him to move the rock and set him free. The explorer knows better and tells the snake, well If I do that, you'll just bite me. But the snake promises that he won't. He tells him that he'll die otherwise. The explorer feels guilty, and moves the rock. As soon as the snake is set free, he bites him. At first the explorer is mad, but then he realizes that he's only mad at himself. The snake was just doing what was in his nature. Snakes bite people.

I feel like I just got bit. A few days ago I defended Isiah Thomas, talking about how if his boss wasn't willing to fire him, faulting him for his behavior was pointless. I went so far as to say that I was "through blaming him". After what he did at Madison Square Garden on Saturday, I am back to being actively angry at him. The Denver Nuggets were giving a heavy thrashing to the Knicks and it bothered Isiah. He felt like George Karl was running up the score. So, he (idiotically) warned Carmelo Anthony to stay out of the paint, and got caught on tape doing it. A couple plays later, JR Smith was on a breakaway, and so Knick Mardy Collins wrapped and tossed him to the ground. Tempers flared, and a fight broke out. Carmelo (stupidly) rushed in late and hit Collins in the jaw, escalating the situation further. Now Denver will be without the NBA's leading scorer for a while and we're back to the NBA being perceived as a league of thugs.

Isiah looked culpable enough already, but his post game comments drove home the role he played:

I just said to him, 'You're up 19 with a minute and a half to go. You and Camby really shouldn't be in the game right now.' We had surrendered. And those guys shouldn't have been in the game at that time. They were sticking it to us pretty good. They were having their way with us pretty good. I think J.R. Smith had just made one dunk where he reverses it and spins in the air. I thought that Mardy didn't want to have our home crowd see that again and he fouled him.

Well, Isiah, I think someone on the bench whose name starts with I and ends with siah Thomas told Mardy that he should stop the bleeding. You know what might have been better than orchestrating a play where someone could have ended up seriously hurt? NOT BEING A TERRIBLE COACH. If you don't like losing by large margins, then be angry at yourself for building a disaster of a roster. Work on your players to play better defense. You think George Karl is a poor sport for keeping his stars in? Understandable. But don't pretend putting a hit on the Nuggets is justifiable. Live with the fact that you suck.

Now, to dispel the perception that the NBA is the most gangsta of leagues, here is a video of strapping young lads engaged in sportsmanlike conduct:

Marcus Vick Does Not Like Money.

2006-12-15T15:38:00.000-06:00

"Yes, I am a dumbass. Next question?"

For those of us lucky enough to attend college, the last year can be one fraught with anxiety. As the semester draws to a close, the impending approach of the real world bears down hard. How will you pay off those student loans? Do you need more schooling to get the job you want? What the fuck do you want to do with your life? But for people blessed with physical gifts and athletic talent, the situation is a bit different. If you happen to play Division-IA Football or Basketball, there could be a gold mine right around the corner. Just focus on playing well, staying healthy, and keeping out of trouble. If you do, you just might make millions. Or, if you'd like to be like Marcus Vick, you can blow it all and end up a few million in the red.

While not as highly touted as his brother, Marcus certainly had enough ability and media attention to be drafted into the NFL. But something in his personality, be it arrogance, ignorance, stupidity, or some stew of all three, would not allow him to emerge from Virginia Tech unscathed. First, it was the primadonna behavior. Then, the charges that he provided alcohol to minors. Next, flipping off the crowd at West Virginia and colliding with a Mountaineers coach. But in the morally ambiguous world of high stakes athletics, that was not enough to damn him. No, Marcus kicked it into the next gear. During the Gator Bowl, Vick was caught on tape stomping on the leg of an opposing player. Out of options, the Hokies dismissed him from the team.

Now, at this point, Marcus had certainly cost himself some money, but he still had a career to salvage. But, no, it wasn't enough. Next, he pulled a gun on a couple teenagers who were giggling about him at McDonald's, resulting in criminal charges. Unsurprisingly, he went undrafted, was picked up by the Miami Dolphins, and then cut. I have never seen such abject determination towards self destruction in college football. Sure, Maurice Clarrett had a very loud and very public meltdown. But, to me at least, Clarrett's story was different. I had an easier time feeling sympathy for him. It seemed like Ohio State and the NCAA used him up, then hung him out to dry when he started to make a mess. That story brought up a lot of interesting issues: of race, economics, and the contradicitons involved in 'amateur' status.

Marcus Vick had no excuse. His brother is a millionaire! He knew that if he kept his nose clean there could be a big pot of cash waiting for him. But through an amazing sense of entitlement, he ruined it. And his troubles aren't finished. Today, a suit was brought against Marcus: $6.3 million for sexually abusing one of the 15 year old girls he provided alcohol to. Incredible. Getting hit for that amount of money would and should sober most people up, but I don't want to undermine Marcus's ability to make it worse. Maybe he'll make a bald eagle egg souflee and clean the pans with the American flag. Or, steal a schoolbus, get drunk and naked, and drive it into a convent. Anything's possible.

Is Isiah Thomas Fired Yet?

2006-12-12T20:56:00.000-06:00

Isiah Thomas ruined the CBA. Isiah Thomas was fired from the Pacers. Isiah Thomas made the Knick payroll the highest in the league. Isiah Thomas beat a disabled child to death with his own wheelchair. Isiah Thomas gave away a top pick to get a player with a heart defect. Isiah Thomas thought the new version of the Omen was better. Isiah Thomas is being sued for sexual harassment. Isiah Thomas traded to get two of the most cancerous point guards in the game. Isiah Thomas kicked a puppy. Isiah Thomas undermined a Hall of Fame coach who'd waited his whole life to lead New York. Isiah Thomas still has a job.

Many of the statements listed above are not true. However, the fact remains: Isiah Thomas has gutted the Knicks. Attendance is abysmal, and New York is often booed during home games. He is unequivocally a failure. But, I am through blaming him. Let's consider a hypothetical situation. You take a job, and you're given a position in management. Within your first three years, things don't go well. Revenues are down, and you spend above your budget on employees that don't produce results. You're widely disliked by customers, and you can't get along with a manager who's brought profits to other companies. On top of that, you grope the receptionist. What would you expect? To be fired. If you weren't, who would it be on? Your boss.

Knick fans should stop being angry at Isiah. He's an easy target, but the person who has created this situation is James Dolan. This has occured to me before, but it crystallized when I listened to Dolan give Isiah his latest vote of confidence. Thomas has been begging to be fired for a couple years now. The situation with Larry Brown established that he can not win in New York. And, lest we forget, Dolan is not exactly famous for being a winner. He gave Allen Houston $100 million when the closest offer was about $25 million less. He gutted a Knick team that saw the finals in '99. They haven't won a playoff series since 2000. It's easy to get mad at Isiah, because you can't fire an owner. But he's not the real problem. When Isiah Thomas leaves, the Knicks will not be fixed. Can David Stern force a sale?

EDIT: I have been pointed towards this equally critical post on Dolan that colors in his incompetence with some working experience at Cablevision.

David Stern is With Leather

2006-12-11T16:36:00.000-06:00

Verily, I shall defend the ball you seek with my last breath!

When I heard that David Stern was considering criticisms of the new synthetic NBA ball, I was surprised. The commish does not exactly project the aura of a man who is interested all points of view. Indeed, I still had to acknowledge that in all likelihood, David would still get his way. That's what he does: he makes decisions, and expects people to deal with them. Maybe he'd form a committee to consider other options, but staff it with incredibly convincing androids. Or, claim that he'd be happy to switch back, but that the old ball is currently being held by an angry wizard deep in a mountain cave. I love what David Stern has done for the league, but I don't expect him to cross the aisle. Maybe make snide comments about the other side of the aisle, but that's about it.

Color me shocked. Indications are that an announcement from the NBA will be made tomorrow: they will return to the old, leather ball on January 1st. It appears that what sealed the fate of the new ball was the small cuts and abrasions it caused on the hands of players. I think this was the right choice. Pushing a product that hurts your employees is a losing battle. And more importantly, very few of the justifications that were offered for the transition held any water. It couldn't be said that scoring needed a jump start, because Points Per Game has steadily climbed over the last couple seasons. In fact, the master of fast break basketball, Steve Nash, complained about the poor handle the new ball gave. Obviously, the cost of a leather ball couldn't be a deciding factor. Only two explanations made any sense: consistency, and the fact that it didn't use animal products. Ultimately, that wasn't enough to keep it afloat.

Beyond the giddy pleasure of seeing the players association get something they want, I am curious to see how David reacts. In my mind, there are three options, which I will rank here from least likely to most likely. First, the commissioner is cowed by his defeat and decides to take on a more bipartisan style of leadership in order to avoid future humiliation. Second, he chooses not to take it personally but also doesn't alter his decision-making process, compartmentalizing this exchange as a rare case. Third, he pushes his next initiative through with such venegance that the streets run red with the blood of the unbelievers. Yeah, I'm leaning towards number three.

Vince Young Continues to Spite Merril Hoge

2006-12-10T16:56:00.000-06:00

Living in Houston isn't easy. It's a swamp. And, no, that isn't meant to be some catty comment about the humidity: it really is a swamp. There's a giant cauldron of bog water and feces directly in the center of the city. Beyond this obvious problem, Houston doesn't exactly have much to be proud of. It's infamous as the home of Enron, the fattest county in America, that place where there are two Starbucks across the street from each other, and the birthplace of Paul Wall. Still, people who make it theirs show a lot of pride. As stinky and ridiculous as Houston can be, they embrace it.

Would you embrace this man?

Well, there's this guy you may have heard of who grew up in the area. He played some college ball, did pretty well, and was hoping to come back and play for their team. That's despite the fact they'd never had a winning season as a franchise. It didn't matter that they'd been more famous for being inept and getting their quarterback sacked. Vince Young wanted to be the hometown hero. His belief in himself and his game was so absolute that he knew if he could get the opportunity, he wouldn't disappoint. And, he hasn't. He's defied the critics and the statistics junkies, and continues to win ball games. But not for Houston...

The Texans got a good long look at what they passed on as it ran right by them for a 39 yard game-winning TD. Houston did not play badly. David Carr was efficient, and Ron Dayne was a workhorse when they used him. But, Vince Young was better. He made a couple bad plays: one interception where he threw the ball sitting down to try to avoid a sack. But, when it counted, VY is a winner. The Titans knew that when they gave him the ball down the stretch, they could count on him to get it done. And he did. I have little doubt that Houston will get headed in the right direction eventually. Until then, the hometown kid who wanted to be their go-to guy will be torturing them twice a season.

A New View from the U...

2006-12-07T22:05:00.000-06:00

Here's a tiny lil' Randy Shannon.

The Miami Hurricane football team has been looking for a coach. When talking about Miami, you'd be hard pressed to find a team that has had more success in the modern era, or a team that hs produced more quality pro players. Jeremy Shockey, Clinton Portis, Ed Reed, Ray Lewis, Warren Sapp, Devin Hester: you can do this all day. But this year, the Hurricanes were schizophrenic. There was on and off field drama to spare, culminating in a 15 minute brawl with Florida International. Despite winning a national title in 2001, Larry Coker couldn't survive the turmoil. So the U has been looking for a new captain. They've pursued Greg Schiano and Rich Rodriguez, but reports are coming in that a final selection has emerged, and it's...

Randy Shannon, their current defensive coordinator, and a homegrown Hurricane. Shannon played on the '87 championship team and worked as an assistant up until '97 when he left for the Dolphins. He returned in 2001 and started his coordinating duties under Larry Coker. I think this is an outstanding hire. Randy has demonstrated he can get results. Despite the U's problems this year, the defense was reliable, and ended up ranked 5th for Division I-A. And, he knows the system. He understands the area, the crazy, absurd amounts of pressure for success at the school, and the players trust him.

But, like it or not, this hire will revive a lot of questions about race and leadership in sports. Black coaches at this level are incredibly rare. (Randy will be the sixth.) And the ones who do get opportunities don't get a fair shake. Ty Willingham's dalliance with Notre Dame will always stand out as an example of this to me. I believe his firing had a lot more to do with the desire to hire Charlie Weis than it did with anything that Ty did. Weis has better credentials (who wouldn't ride developing Tom Brady?), without a doubt. But if the Irish fans had a problem with the lack of national titles or wins against big teams, employing Baby Huey hasn't solved that problem. I'll be interested to see how patient Miami is willing to be with a coach who's coming into an extremely tough situation.

After his latest loss to USC, Charlie Weis hit rock bottom.

There's another issue here, and that's perceptions about the relationship between black players and black coaches. Jemele Hill did a great job pointing this out. No coach succeeds by coddling his players. But if Randy Shannon either doesn't win games, or there's more misbehavior... Well, watch and see if some talking head doesn't say it's because the black coach is taking it easy on his 'people'. Does that make any sense? HELL 2 DA NAW! If some wild shit goes down on the seventh floor, Randy didn't create the culture. Miami has been wild for a long time. If you're trying to understand the Hurricane culture, ask Jimmy Johnson why he let Luther Campbell stand on the sideline and throw out hundred dollar bills. Hell, ask Michael Irvin where he learned about blow. I'm not trying to give Shannon carte blanche. But, the University of Miami was collision of social, political, economic, and racial issues before he showed up. Ultimately, this is a team deeply in need of healing. Hopefully Randy Shannon can be a fresh voice that gives them that.

David Stern, Commence the Backpedalling

2006-12-06T09:10:00.000-06:00

You wouldn't know it took look at him (especially in the picture above), but David Stern is a bad motherfucker. He's the Moses Malone of sports commissioners. (I guess this makes Bud Selig Shawn Bradley.) Stern has guided the NBA through multiple transitions, leading up to today, where basketball is the healthiest it's been in a long time. Depending on where you stand, this recent prosperity is either thanks to, or in spite of, David's iron fisted rule. But, love it or hate it, it's been one of the hallmarks of the NBA. Don't agree with zone defense? Well go play Slamball then, bitch. Hey Mark Cuban, you don't like the refs? Well now you're not allowed in the huddle. How do you like them apples? Stern has honed belittling the opinions of others down to a science. When the debate on the new dress code was in full swing, David cagily avoided many valid points on the issue. Instead, he highlighted absurd comments such as Marcus Camby's request for a stipend to pay for clothes. In the NBA, it's David Stern's world, we're all just paying rent.

This why I found yesterday's admission that the introduction of the new ball was mishandled so mindblowing. This isn't to say that I don't think the NBA made a mistake. Changing the ball without allowing any player oversight showed a great deal of hubris. I'm also not claiming that Stern didn't have some good reasons for wanting to make the adjustment. But whether a synthetic ball was a good choice or a bad one, I was sure David would get away with it. He has when it came to everything else. However, the union found their nuts and filed an unfair labor practices suit, so the Comissioner was faced with some options. Stick to his guns and risk getting shown up in court, or open up the issue. It remains to be seen just how conciliatory David Stern is willing to be, but, so far, this is a big leap forward.

The Timberwolves are Kevin Federline.

2006-12-04T23:03:00.000-06:00

Kevin Garnett said today that he's not unhappy with the Timberwolves. Hm, ok. The problem with this statement is he has every reason to be. A player that I'm convinced will go down as one of the best ever at his position has had persistently bad management. Blah Joe Smith blah blah Latrell Spreewell. Blah blah blah only out of the first round once. You've heard all of this before. Despite his chiding of the media, Kevin went on to make some not so veiled shots at the men upstairs:

"People feel sorry for me?" Garnett said. "I don't go out and scout players. I don't do any of the front office stuff. This thing's bigger than Kevin Garnett. I'm a piece, but ... I don't want nobody to feel sorry for me. I bust my [butt] to come in and be consistent every year. If you want to feel sorry for somebody, feel sorry for the people who put the team together and haven't put me in a position to be in those situations. Don't feel sorry for me."

If you need translation, the gist of that was "Fuck you, Kevin McHale. I'm too smart to appear a headcase, but everyone knows you fucked this up." Which brings me to the title. The Timberwolves are Kevin Federline. They landed someone way out of their league. They then proceeded to do everything possible to ruin it. Their significant other went out of the way to not complain publicly. But, it was obvious that whenever they walked out, it would be justified. The Timberwolves are my team for better or worse. But, I hope KG gets to play for someone who deserves him before he retires.

Aging Asshole Available! Half Price!

2006-12-04T16:01:00.000-06:00

Months later, this one still speaks for itself.

In sports, there are plenty of feel good stories. Marques Colston gets drated late but tears up the NFL. Jason McElwain comes off the bench to drown his opponent in tres and is embraced by his teammates. These are things that remind us, despite all the violence and competition inherent in sports, there can be happy endings. People can be counted out and succeed anyway. But other stories end up being a little different. Although we wish for good things, we also wish for bad. There are people who win in spite of being nasty, unpleasant people. When they get their comeuppance, it's satisfying.

Why did this occur to me? Well, because Barry Bonds is still on the market. I mean, I can't imagine why! His joints are giving out on him from years of steroid abuse, so that's a plus. He's demonstrated that he's unable to get along with anybody, so he'll fit right into the clubhouse. Oh, and he's chasing a record that most people don't think he should have, so that'll be sure to surround your team with positivity. From the article linked above:

"Obviously, the guy can still hit," said one AL executive. "But is the payoff worth the headache? If you sign him, you start by having to answer questions for a month about 'How can you bring this guy into your organization?' Then you have to sit there all through spring training and deal with 15 ESPN reporters hanging around every day.

"Then, when he gets closer to Aaron, you have an even bigger pain on your hands, with all the attention and the reporters and the controversy. So you have to ask yourself: 'Is it really worth putting my face next to this guy's and having to answer those questions for the next six months?' "

I'm not so foolish to believe that there isn't a team that will put him on the roster, eventually. For a small-market club, he'll drive up attendance, for better or worse. But the spiteful part of me would love if his career ended like this: blackballed from the game, unwelcome whereever he goes. Probably won't happen, but it's a nice thought.

Vince Young Wins Ballgames

2006-12-04T09:08:00.000-06:00

I use this photo to keep me warm during this cold, cold winter.

A couple months ago, Vince Young's NFL career had been all but declared D.O.A. People loudly questioned every aspect of his game. How loudly? I think I'd be better off letting this gem by Merril Hoge speak for itself:

Vince Young clearly is not ready to step on the field in the National Football League. He did nothing during the preseason to prove that he can play, but here he is, (with) a coaching staff trying to implement gimmick college stuff to play in the NFL. When they asked him to drop back in a true pro-style look, he had no clue where to throw the football.

I appreciate that sports journalism is, by its nature, capricious. However, Vince got a rough ride. Everything from his throwing style, his speed, his decision making, and even his intelligence has been questioned. It's not unusual for college QB to take over a year to adjust to the speed and intricacies of the pro game. But every shortcoming was a reason to declare him a bust.

It doesn't seem like there's going to be much more of that talk. After last week's insane 21 point comeback, and yesterday's win against a team many consider to be the class of the AFC, the NFL is figuring out what Vince Young can do. He wins games. I'm not attempting to argue that he's not lacking some polish. His throwing style can be hair-raising, and he'll probably take a hard lick sooner or later that will convince him to run less. But, first and foremost, he's a winner. Whatever it takes, he figures out how to get it done. And as Norm Chow's system comes together and surrounds him with good players, he's only going to get better.

Bob Stoops: American Badass

2006-12-03T15:53:00.000-06:00

I wish they'd mic him up for at least one game; the number of bleeps would be collossal.

Kid Rock, you're a faker. When I think of true American Badasses, your name does not come up. Bob Stoops, however, often does. I have yet soee a more ballsy and effective coach in college football. Watching him work against Nebraska last night in the Big XII championship, I couldn't help but be excited about the possibility of seeing him coach in the NFL one day. Sure, coaches who are great in the NCAA but fall flat in the pros are a dime a dozen. But his attitude, his poise, his youth, and his fearlessness makes me think there's no way he couldn't succeed if he put his mind to it.

I have mixed feelings about admitting this because I'm a diehard Texas Longhorn fan. And, I love Mack Brown. He brought us Vince Young (who's blowing up in the NFL right now, more on that later), and then a national championship. But he's more like a friendly grandpa than a fiery badass. When I see Mack upset on the sidelines, he seems to be pouting: like someone just took away his drivers license. When Bob gets upset, he's a tornado. Cursing up a blue streak (I'm sure), getting in the face of referees, and screaming at players. But he doesn't seem like a bully. He just wants his behavior to reflect his passion for the game.

Enduring defeats by the Sooners for the duration of my college career taught me to respect the man. Fourth down and one? Fuck it, let's go. Like I heard him say after the A&M game, "If we can't move a few inches, we don't deserve to win." Then he gets robbed by two ridiculously bad calls in one game: doesn't matter, he still takes the division. He loses his best player and his quarterback within a season. Most teams would be dead, but he put it together anyway. This man will just not go away. And if not for that goofy officiating in the Oregon matchup, we'd be talking about whether they deserved a shot at the title. So, I tip my hat to you, Robert A. Stoops, American Badass. Thank God we only have to play you once a year.

Charlie Weis makes how much a year?

2006-12-02T18:44:00.000-06:00

Charlie Weis begins another week of intensive game planning.

As a football fan, one of my favorite rites of fall is the annual exhaltation of the Oh So Holy Glory that is Notre Dame. And why wouldn't it be? After all, they've had an undisturbed string of 30 national titles, Heisman Trophies, and Academy Awards, somehow. Every Notre Dame player goes on to be an NFL Pro Bowler, pisses diamonds, and cures cancer. Charlie Weis has recently qualified for sainthood. And lest we forget, let us pay tribute to the second coming, Brady Quinn. Yea, He is the Way, and the Light. His passes always find their target. For the blind to look upon his handsome face is to regain the gift of sight.

Obviously, none of the last paragraph was true. But if you were to take the word of the pundits who overhype South Bend every year, it might as well be. At the beginning of the season, there are always a million reasons why this is finally time for Notre Dame to turn the corner. They never turn out to be true, but oh well. The voters and the media bias still force them up the polls no matter what. Brady Quinn had his best games against no-name teams and military academies? Doesn't matter. Heisman contender.

The results have reinforced that Notre Dame teams do not have the talent to play with the big boys. Ohio State? Demolished them last year in the bowl. Michigan? Hung 47 on them this year. And then last week, the Irish laid another egg at USC, getting blown out by a vastly superior Pete Carroll team. And while it appears that we're now headed towards a possible Michigan/OSU rematch in January, todays USC loss reinforces just how overrated Notre Dame is. An unranked team held an offense that dominated Weis's squad to under ten points. The unfortunate reality of this is that it will probably help South Bend anyway, pushing them into BCS contention. But, realists like me can take comfort that if they end up playing any real team, they'll get beaten. Badly.