Fun With Natural Phenomena!

If you have a soul, it lies heavy today knowing that the Heat are up 1-0 in the NBA Finals. However, Mr. Spontanayus dug a little deeper, and discovered a heartwarming story all basketball fans should know.

Last night the Heat defeated the Mavericks in Game 1 of the NBA finals. In their post-game press conference, a reporter asked LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh if they could talk about the source of their motivation for the night's performance. The three friends waxed poetic about a strange event on May 11.

James: We've been inspired for a while now. There were haters, and it's hard to keep negative thoughts-- to keep from doubting yourself a little. We're fighting our own demons, the media, and the other teams.

Wade: Yeah, but then we knew we were chos-- we were pick-- God picked us to win.

Reporter: What ar--

Bosh: You see, everybody thought that we were celebrating the victory when we won the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals in Game 5 by 10 points against a team with a one-armed point guard and three 35 year olds, but actually we were reveling in the beauty.

Wade: Yeah, it looks like I dive dramatically out of bounds, and do a cannonball into the stands in pursuit of a very meaningful loose ball, but actually I trip because I got distracted by the colors.

James: And I was kneeling on the floor with my head bowed in reverence. It was too much-- too much to look at.

Bosh: I heard D-Wade. He was whispering "It's so bright and vivid. It's so beautiful." I see Bron-Bron and he's crying. "It's too much. OMG! OMFG, it's so INTENSE!" Then I look up and I saw it. More amazing than anything I'd ever seen before, in the rafters, a triple rainbow.

Wade: Well, not really a triple-- more like a full double rainbow with three quarters of a third one.

James: More like half of a third one, but still...

All three looking at each other with wistful smiles: Miraculous!

The post-game press conference then ended abruptly when the reporters realized that the three athletes began sporting eye-hazard erections. So now we know the true story. James, a player who has played in the NBA finals, and Wade, a player who has won the Championship, did not cry with overwhelming relief when they defeated an injured Celtics team in the fifth game of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals by 10 points. They did all those things because God chose them with a double and a half rainbow.

Rugby Shows Bold Leadership in the War on Fauxhawks

The Price of Freedom
In a move that will likely poison the well for Jersey Shore: Australia, an Australian Rules Football player was banned from a match for his pointy haircut. The referee (correctly!) noted that Nathan Van Someren's gel sculpted sharkfin was dangerous, and like so many Red Rider bb-guns, could take your eye out. But beyond the physical dangers of the fauxhawk, we should consider the metaphysical and aesthetic. Do bad haircuts injure your soul, or wound the minds of those forced to look at them? Having no information to support this, yes. Sports in general, not just rugby, would benefit from some fashion policing. Consider reforms like the ones listed below:


1. Chris Andersen is banned for life. He could fix the fauxhawk, but the tattoos are now so far out of control that there is no hope. Tattoo artists: when a man asks for "FREE BIRD" on his neck, it's time for an intervention/exorcism. We have passed the point of this being fixable. Unless he is willing to play in a green man suit! That would be pretty neat.


2. Tom Brady is banned until he accepts he's going bald. Or, in the alternative, develops enough dignity to not wear the Bieber. (Bieber comb-over. Biebover?) Think of the children!


3. D-Wade is suspended one game for every time he wears fake glasses. This insensitive behavior makes light of the struggle many Americans experience every day. Also, bow ties are stupid.

All these ideas are good!