The Lakers Need a Coach, Epilogue: the Buss Family Remembers Kobe

Good organizations make mistakes. Not so often as bad organizations, but it happens. When good organizations foul up, they bounce back by properly managing damage control. They make sure everyone has their story straight, deal with all problems internally, and move forward with a united front. That way, the damage of the bad decision is not multiplied by public bickering. Your fans do not want to hear a mea culpa. They want to read about their best player getting arrested for punching a baby at the victory parade. Nobody likes apologies.

Apparently climbing the ladder means Jim Buss is now free to fall on his face! He did an extended interview with the LA Times in which he admitted it was a mistake to not talk with Kobe about Mike Brown. To the quotes!

I'm surprised by the reaction to Mike's hiring. I wish people heard him speak. Let him show you what he showed us. I wanted him to know they are picking on me, which explains why they are picking on him. But it's a reflection on me, not him. He hasn't done anything wrong.

Yes! No worries Mike, they are mad at me, not you. So, feel better! Even though you will be fired, not me.

I don't consider myself a recluse or anything like that. But this is my dad's team. I like what we're doing as a group — my dad, Mitch Kupchak and myself — and especially when we win championships, but I work for my dad and that's who I like to answer to, and who I like to impress. I look at my dad and if he's happy, I'm happy.

Get inspired, Lakers fans! Nothing shows hope for the future like a guy who screws up, then describes himself as daddy's valet.

Looking back on it, we should have contacted Kobe. Kobe said it was management's job to pick a coach. He just said, 'Defense first.' That's what we were doing, but we should have reached out to him.

We were doing what we were told! We shouldn't have done what we were told! We did the right thing, badly! Next, on the risk (guarantee) Kobe will ignore Brown and do whatever he wants:

I've seen Kobe go off the place a few times, but I'm sure the coach will know how to handle it. My dad loves Kobe and so do I; we think he has a lot left. And I know Mike has some ideas on how to elongate Kobe's career.

We totally threw this guy under the bus, but he will be fine! An unwelcome hire will definitely command the respect of an unhappy hall of famer, because of...something! There are many good quotes in here. They paint a picture of the dangers of nepotism. They smell of purple and gold flames surrounding the Staples Center. But none has more pathos than this:

I am blessed thanks to my dad's hard work, but I'm doing everything I can to learn so I'm ready when I get my opportunity. I'm in no hurry to have that happen.

Jim Buss is spoiled, lazy, and in no rush to be held accountable. I love LA!

The Lakers Need a Coach Part II: Let's Alienate Our Best Player!

Someone apparently talked the Buss family out of bringing in Mike Dunleavy, Sr. as the Lakers new coach. This is good! You might assume Kobe Bryant weighed in and pointed out that Dunleavy is terrible. That does not appear to be the case. Why? Because of the following loaded portion the report that LA is 'very close' to hiring Mike Brown:

The source close to the Lakers told SI.com that Lakers star Kobe Bryant was "surprised" by the news, and that he was not a part of the decision-making process. Bryant had been a staunch supporter of Lakers assistant Brian Shaw for the position and remains as such.

Oh dear. Kobe Bryant has developed a polite public persona. The early chaos of the post-Shaq Lakers saw him put through the wringer. Leaving out the ugly situation in Colorado, Kobe had to figure out how to be the focal point of the team. He learned quickly how much Shaq had given him room, both on and off the court. He found out how dangerous the Internets can be. From these and other bad experiences emerged a new, media savvy face. He even knew to diplomatically and carefully criticize his teammates for their elimination game temper tantrums.

Kobe has learned how to be calm in public. Don't believe for a second he is calm right now. The Lakers did not just lose to the Mavericks, they were destroyed. There is no doubt Bryant was (quietly, privately) telling management either Pau works out his girl problems or plays somewhere else. What is the Buss family thinking? Are they still reeling from the Phil Jackson breakup and out of touch with reality? Kobe Bryant is their franchise. The Lakers will hit a tough hangover when he retires. It is in their best interest to keep him happy until that day comes.

Mike Brown is not a bad coach. The Cavs gave him a raw deal. His firing was a pre-emptive strike by Dan Gilbert to keep a flame lit with LeBron, all for nothing. Mike Brown could be a great fit for the Lakers. But Kobe wants to be heard, and he wants Brian Shaw. If he ends up with neither, the serene demeanor will not last.

The Lakers Need a Coach Part I: Send In the Clowns

You see, LA just got out of a long term relationship. Their old boyfriend was a dick. He was pompous, pious, and frequently aloof. But, he got the job done. The Lakers need to take a break. They need to honestly and slowly look in the mirror before they do something hasty. Like putting Mike Dunleavy, Sr. on their shortlist. Yes, that famous last name that evokes...something, could return to coach the Lakers a second time.

You might think that Mike's sole qualification is knowing how to get to Staples Center. But you'd be wrong! Just listen to his glittering CV, detailed in the article linked above:

Dunleavy is currently awaiting judgment in his arbitration hearing with the Los Angeles Clippers, who stopped paying the balance of his contract after they fired him as general manager last year. Dunleavy earlier had resigned as coach after going 215-326 with the Clippers.

Ah, yes! The best relationships are with people going through a messy divorce. And since the Clippers are the Bizarro Lakers, that means he had a winning record. Science!

Though his recent history with the Clippers was unsuccessful, Dunleavy is still viewed as a strong tactician with an impressive history of postseason success.

This is all true! Whenever you saw Mike coach, your first thought was "tactics." By standing still on the sideline, he preserved the element of surprise. You were genuinely surprised when you saw him do anything.

He also has a long history with Bryant, whom he courted and nearly convinced to join the Clippers as a free agent in 2004.

OK, what? "Long history"? He asked him out and was turned down. By that logic, a girl holding a "MARRY ME JUSTIN" sign at a Bieber concert goes WAY back with him.

Dunleavy is the winningest and was the highest-paid coach in Clippers history.

World's tallest midget, sexiest leper.

Dunleavy has a career record of 613-716 as a head coach with the Lakers, Milwaukee, Portland and the Clippers. Besides the 1990-91 run with the Lakers, he came within one game of the 2000 Finals with the Trail Blazers before a fourth-quarter collapse in Game 7 propelled Shaquille O'Neal and Bryant to their first of three championships together with the Lakers.

Baffling! Are the Lakers so short on hope that they are excited to recruit their former punching bag? Isn't this the kind of thing you do after all the good candidates have turned you down? Is it Christmas already?

Dunleavy has maintained a friendship with Lakers owner Dr. Jerry Buss and his son, Jim Buss. As recently as last year, he watched Lakers games with Buss from his suite at Staples Center.

That is good. It will make things more awkward when he is fired!

The Lakers Have Some Time To Think

Sunday, the wheels came off what may go down as the most unmotivated attempt to repeat as NBA Champion. The Lakers played all year like a team that could turn it on when they needed to. Against New Orleans, this was a sound strategy! Dallas, not so much. Peja Stojakovic played to exorcise demons that had haunted him since Sacramento's near-miss, and JET simply knew where to be, every time. Amazingly, Dirk has found the balance that eluded him all of his career. He knows when to shoot, when to drive, and when to let his teammates take over. For all the ridicule heaped on Mark Cuban and his fantasy teams, the Mavs have become a beautiful thing.

That is a story but not the story. The story is that Phil Jackson will be returning to Montana to do whatever it is he does there! Let's forgo the normal "Is it for real?" speculation because, well, there is no answer for that. Every indication is his retirement is sincere (until the Knicks job comes open mid season.) Instead of predicting what he will do, I would rather credit him for being the most effective coach in the history of the NBA via his dickishness. Sincerely! Being incredibly self involved prepared Phil for his work very well. He is not a regular nice person, and the people he manages are not, for the most part, regular nice people. It worked really well. Good for him!

But anyone who thinks it's a good idea to take that job and fill his seat should check themselves lest they wreck themselves. Their team is ancient and only getting older, loaded with expensive mistakes and question marks. Kobe is still really really good but not so good that he can conceal the team's shortcomings. Remember when they traded Shaq and Jerry Buss was touching himself thinking about having pious shoe polish head in LA? It'll be like that. Everyone in their right mind will turn down the job, and then an NBA institution with serious health problems will take over. Larry Brown with a gaping wound? Cheryl Miller with shingles? Raef LaFrentz with rug burn? All possibilities!