Inappropriate Comments Distract Focus From Greatest Matchup This Season

Noted sunglasses wearing person Hank Williams Jr. has opinions and he wants you to know them, immediately! When it comes to football, he supports the Crimson Tide. Also, our President is to Hitler as John Boehner is to Netanyahu! ESPN was thrilled to hear about his new career as a pundit. To let him focus on it, they removed his segment from tonight's broadcast of Monday Night Football.

Jr. has already offered the standard explanation of "I was misunderstood." But If you've seen the tape, you know better. The hosts gave him opportunities to clarify or qualify and he declined. (He also made a creepy pass at the lady!) His half-hearted apology is probably not not emphatic enough to get his job back. We are in a weird moment but people seem to have a baseline where calling the President "Hitler" is offensive.

Donovan McNabb is Terrible, Unrepentant

Today in stories that are both unsurprising and incredibly frustrating, Donovan McNabb doesn't think his mechanics need any work. There's no reason to argue with that. He believes there's nothing about how he throws or does his job that is making him bad at it. Maybe he is anticipating a new technique where receivers will begin catching the ball with their feet. Perhaps staring people down for five seconds before moving through his progression is some type of gamesmanship. There are lots of possibilities! Bottom line, Donovan is getting paid and doesn't seem to be worried that his team is 0-3. Last year there was at least some ambiguity considering what a weirdo Mike Shanahan is. In 2011, he is freed of that excuse, and appears to be mailing it in 100%.

The best hope at this point is that this starts the calls for Christian Ponder a little sooner. It's sad to think that with such a talented team, we should be thinking rebuild, but that is what two years with old, unaccountable QBs will do. You can watch the Vikings and appreciate the technical, brilliant fury of an Adrian Peterson run (when the team occasionally calls run plays). Or, enjoy the terrifying violence of a Jared Allen pass rush. Just change the channel or shut your eyes when #5 drops back to pass. He doesn't care how it works out, so neither should you.

American Airlines Center is Haunted

LeBron ain't afraid of no ghost, at least not when it adds up to free throws. Skip to 1:05 for the best angle.

Breaking: They Freed the Spanish Prisoner! Also, Houston is Depressed!

Kevin McHale was terrible at his job. Just awful! So bad that he ran out of coaches to fire and thrust himself to the sideline. He seems like a very nice man. Occasionally he is seen sitting next to Charles Barkley and does not seem unlikable! But wow he was bad. There was no way Minnesota was going to improve until he was fired. McHale was fired in 2008 and the world assumed the Timberwolves would get better.

They got worse. David Kahn, freshly GMed (?), drafted two tiny elfin men at the most elfin position, point guard. Consecutively! In a league where we're all being held hostage by a 6'8" manchild who can run through brick walls. Yes! Also, one of the point guards is Spanish and he has refused to come to the States. Until now! This is what counts as a success story for Minnesota. A good player held his breath for two years and now will be forced to play for the Timberwolves.

But, these things are relative. Seeing the news can remind you what you forgot. It could be worse.

Fun With Natural Phenomena!

If you have a soul, it lies heavy today knowing that the Heat are up 1-0 in the NBA Finals. However, Mr. Spontanayus dug a little deeper, and discovered a heartwarming story all basketball fans should know.

Last night the Heat defeated the Mavericks in Game 1 of the NBA finals. In their post-game press conference, a reporter asked LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh if they could talk about the source of their motivation for the night's performance. The three friends waxed poetic about a strange event on May 11.

James: We've been inspired for a while now. There were haters, and it's hard to keep negative thoughts-- to keep from doubting yourself a little. We're fighting our own demons, the media, and the other teams.

Wade: Yeah, but then we knew we were chos-- we were pick-- God picked us to win.

Reporter: What ar--

Bosh: You see, everybody thought that we were celebrating the victory when we won the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals in Game 5 by 10 points against a team with a one-armed point guard and three 35 year olds, but actually we were reveling in the beauty.

Wade: Yeah, it looks like I dive dramatically out of bounds, and do a cannonball into the stands in pursuit of a very meaningful loose ball, but actually I trip because I got distracted by the colors.

James: And I was kneeling on the floor with my head bowed in reverence. It was too much-- too much to look at.

Bosh: I heard D-Wade. He was whispering "It's so bright and vivid. It's so beautiful." I see Bron-Bron and he's crying. "It's too much. OMG! OMFG, it's so INTENSE!" Then I look up and I saw it. More amazing than anything I'd ever seen before, in the rafters, a triple rainbow.

Wade: Well, not really a triple-- more like a full double rainbow with three quarters of a third one.

James: More like half of a third one, but still...

All three looking at each other with wistful smiles: Miraculous!

The post-game press conference then ended abruptly when the reporters realized that the three athletes began sporting eye-hazard erections. So now we know the true story. James, a player who has played in the NBA finals, and Wade, a player who has won the Championship, did not cry with overwhelming relief when they defeated an injured Celtics team in the fifth game of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals by 10 points. They did all those things because God chose them with a double and a half rainbow.

The Lakers Need a Coach, Epilogue: the Buss Family Remembers Kobe

Good organizations make mistakes. Not so often as bad organizations, but it happens. When good organizations foul up, they bounce back by properly managing damage control. They make sure everyone has their story straight, deal with all problems internally, and move forward with a united front. That way, the damage of the bad decision is not multiplied by public bickering. Your fans do not want to hear a mea culpa. They want to read about their best player getting arrested for punching a baby at the victory parade. Nobody likes apologies.

Apparently climbing the ladder means Jim Buss is now free to fall on his face! He did an extended interview with the LA Times in which he admitted it was a mistake to not talk with Kobe about Mike Brown. To the quotes!

I'm surprised by the reaction to Mike's hiring. I wish people heard him speak. Let him show you what he showed us. I wanted him to know they are picking on me, which explains why they are picking on him. But it's a reflection on me, not him. He hasn't done anything wrong.

Yes! No worries Mike, they are mad at me, not you. So, feel better! Even though you will be fired, not me.

I don't consider myself a recluse or anything like that. But this is my dad's team. I like what we're doing as a group — my dad, Mitch Kupchak and myself — and especially when we win championships, but I work for my dad and that's who I like to answer to, and who I like to impress. I look at my dad and if he's happy, I'm happy.

Get inspired, Lakers fans! Nothing shows hope for the future like a guy who screws up, then describes himself as daddy's valet.

Looking back on it, we should have contacted Kobe. Kobe said it was management's job to pick a coach. He just said, 'Defense first.' That's what we were doing, but we should have reached out to him.

We were doing what we were told! We shouldn't have done what we were told! We did the right thing, badly! Next, on the risk (guarantee) Kobe will ignore Brown and do whatever he wants:

I've seen Kobe go off the place a few times, but I'm sure the coach will know how to handle it. My dad loves Kobe and so do I; we think he has a lot left. And I know Mike has some ideas on how to elongate Kobe's career.

We totally threw this guy under the bus, but he will be fine! An unwelcome hire will definitely command the respect of an unhappy hall of famer, because of...something! There are many good quotes in here. They paint a picture of the dangers of nepotism. They smell of purple and gold flames surrounding the Staples Center. But none has more pathos than this:

I am blessed thanks to my dad's hard work, but I'm doing everything I can to learn so I'm ready when I get my opportunity. I'm in no hurry to have that happen.

Jim Buss is spoiled, lazy, and in no rush to be held accountable. I love LA!

The Lakers Need a Coach Part II: Let's Alienate Our Best Player!

Someone apparently talked the Buss family out of bringing in Mike Dunleavy, Sr. as the Lakers new coach. This is good! You might assume Kobe Bryant weighed in and pointed out that Dunleavy is terrible. That does not appear to be the case. Why? Because of the following loaded portion the report that LA is 'very close' to hiring Mike Brown:

The source close to the Lakers told SI.com that Lakers star Kobe Bryant was "surprised" by the news, and that he was not a part of the decision-making process. Bryant had been a staunch supporter of Lakers assistant Brian Shaw for the position and remains as such.

Oh dear. Kobe Bryant has developed a polite public persona. The early chaos of the post-Shaq Lakers saw him put through the wringer. Leaving out the ugly situation in Colorado, Kobe had to figure out how to be the focal point of the team. He learned quickly how much Shaq had given him room, both on and off the court. He found out how dangerous the Internets can be. From these and other bad experiences emerged a new, media savvy face. He even knew to diplomatically and carefully criticize his teammates for their elimination game temper tantrums.

Kobe has learned how to be calm in public. Don't believe for a second he is calm right now. The Lakers did not just lose to the Mavericks, they were destroyed. There is no doubt Bryant was (quietly, privately) telling management either Pau works out his girl problems or plays somewhere else. What is the Buss family thinking? Are they still reeling from the Phil Jackson breakup and out of touch with reality? Kobe Bryant is their franchise. The Lakers will hit a tough hangover when he retires. It is in their best interest to keep him happy until that day comes.

Mike Brown is not a bad coach. The Cavs gave him a raw deal. His firing was a pre-emptive strike by Dan Gilbert to keep a flame lit with LeBron, all for nothing. Mike Brown could be a great fit for the Lakers. But Kobe wants to be heard, and he wants Brian Shaw. If he ends up with neither, the serene demeanor will not last.

Breaking: LeBron and Tom Brady Have Something in Common

Mr. Spontanayus has been unable to type recently because his hand was crushed after shaking with a wrestler. But, he trained a dog to transcribe his thoughts, and sends this along...

I suppose you could call what we've been doing "Heat hatin'." So I'll do two things: (1) say that I am surprised and impressed with how dominant the Heat have been the past two games because Wade, Bosh, and James have all been excellent; (2) keep "hatin'." [Editor's note: this was submitted before last night's OT loss. If the Heat finish off the Bulls, the only hope for democracy and freedom is a German with chin pubes. The Marshall plan worked!]

While watching the game two days ago, I noticed that LeBron James' headband is totally ineffective: it's too high. A headband is designed to catch brow sweat and prevent it from getting in the player's eyes. Thus, unless James produces an exorbitant amount of sweat from the crown of his head (not the one on his head of course), his sweatband is useless. I know that sweatbands also make you look really cool, and LeBron looks really cool, especially when he wears clothes with his name on them. I just don't think that this is the reason that LeBron wears his headband. Perhaps it is effective. It's covering his male-pattern baldness.

LeBron didn't wear his headband so high as a rookie in 2004. He didn't wear it so high when he won the MVP at 25 year old in 2009, though it was a little higher. I suppose the hair loss hit him extremely hard in the last few months. Perhaps it was the stress of "The Decision," and becoming reviled by a once adoring public. Perhaps he's actually 35. Perhaps he has one unfortunate gene. I don't know, and LeBron probably doesn't know.

I admit I won't be cheering for the Heat. But I don't actually consider the above "hatin'." I just think LeBron is very very silly.

The Lakers Need a Coach Part I: Send In the Clowns

You see, LA just got out of a long term relationship. Their old boyfriend was a dick. He was pompous, pious, and frequently aloof. But, he got the job done. The Lakers need to take a break. They need to honestly and slowly look in the mirror before they do something hasty. Like putting Mike Dunleavy, Sr. on their shortlist. Yes, that famous last name that evokes...something, could return to coach the Lakers a second time.

You might think that Mike's sole qualification is knowing how to get to Staples Center. But you'd be wrong! Just listen to his glittering CV, detailed in the article linked above:

Dunleavy is currently awaiting judgment in his arbitration hearing with the Los Angeles Clippers, who stopped paying the balance of his contract after they fired him as general manager last year. Dunleavy earlier had resigned as coach after going 215-326 with the Clippers.

Ah, yes! The best relationships are with people going through a messy divorce. And since the Clippers are the Bizarro Lakers, that means he had a winning record. Science!

Though his recent history with the Clippers was unsuccessful, Dunleavy is still viewed as a strong tactician with an impressive history of postseason success.

This is all true! Whenever you saw Mike coach, your first thought was "tactics." By standing still on the sideline, he preserved the element of surprise. You were genuinely surprised when you saw him do anything.

He also has a long history with Bryant, whom he courted and nearly convinced to join the Clippers as a free agent in 2004.

OK, what? "Long history"? He asked him out and was turned down. By that logic, a girl holding a "MARRY ME JUSTIN" sign at a Bieber concert goes WAY back with him.

Dunleavy is the winningest and was the highest-paid coach in Clippers history.

World's tallest midget, sexiest leper.

Dunleavy has a career record of 613-716 as a head coach with the Lakers, Milwaukee, Portland and the Clippers. Besides the 1990-91 run with the Lakers, he came within one game of the 2000 Finals with the Trail Blazers before a fourth-quarter collapse in Game 7 propelled Shaquille O'Neal and Bryant to their first of three championships together with the Lakers.

Baffling! Are the Lakers so short on hope that they are excited to recruit their former punching bag? Isn't this the kind of thing you do after all the good candidates have turned you down? Is it Christmas already?

Dunleavy has maintained a friendship with Lakers owner Dr. Jerry Buss and his son, Jim Buss. As recently as last year, he watched Lakers games with Buss from his suite at Staples Center.

That is good. It will make things more awkward when he is fired!

Shaw Kemp is Loyal (?), Overweight

In a move that totally should not make you giggle, not even a little bit, Shawn Kemp is standing up for fidelity! Yes, the noted basketball player with noted potency refused courtside seats to see the Thunder play in OKC, out of loyalty to the Sonics. Good for you Shawn! When you decide to apologize for drinking, smoking, eating, impregnating, eating, impregnating, sleeping, and eating your way out of relevancy, please let me know.

Shawn's ethical concerns aside, the Oklahoma City Thunder are the best story remaining in the NBA Playoffs. Dirk finally figured out how to be the man. The Bulls could spare us all the misery of a Miami Heat Final. But, OKC is out there proving a smart, well run small market team can compete and win. Their series with the Memphis Grizzlies emphasized that point through seven superb games. Both teams are Pacific Northwest ex-patriates, but Memphis undeniably had the tougher road. Who would have assumed a trade for Pau's younger brother and Kwame Brown would pay off? But it did. Marc Gasol played like he wanted it, Pau Gasol looked like he wanted his vacation.

But the biggest surprise on the Grizzlies has to be Zach Randolph. Z-Bo has spent his career as a 20-10 "so what" player. Someone who can get great numbers but never fits in a winning system. Zach made that label a thing of the past. He stared down the Spurs, calmly closing out games when people expected him to choke. He got the Grizzlies to Game 7 against the Thunder, despite OKC's powerful defensive frontcourt. If there's one hope to hold in your heart, besides Miami losing, it's that this season wasn't a fluke for Memphis. Team basketball matters. Seeing five guys on the court who know how to play together makes games fun to watch. Forty-eight minutes of one on ones and contested shots is miserable to watch. The Grizzlies have earned a spot in the NBA's elite, and here's hoping they fight for that chair next year.

The Heat are Inevitable, Terrible to Watch

Last night, the Celtics exited the playoffs. Depleted by injuries, aging, and bizarre trades, Boston played like a team with nothing to look forward to. They could get leads but could not hold them. It is difficult to imagine them being a true title contender next year. Now the push to build around Rondo will begin, but the defensive enforcer he needs is Memphis bound, hoping to move to the conference finals. Danny Ainge may have defended that trade, but he will likely live to regret it.

The deep, soul-crushing depression you feel is knowledge that Miami has advanced. The statute of limitations on being mad about the Decision has lapsed. But, there is plenty of mileage left on how painful it feels to watch the Heat play. Four teams still in the hunt practice a fluid and entertaining style of basketball: Dallas, Chicago, Oklahoma City, and Memphis. They pass, move without the ball, and call plays. Two teams do none of these things: Atlanta and Miami. Fortunately, Chicago has a chance to prevent an Hawks vs. Heat conference final tonight. Here's hoping they do.

Let's not begrudge Miami for wanting to win. Yes, the template they have set up is destructive. Only a few markets can afford to go on the type of shopping spree they did. The NHL is in better financial shape, which should tell you something! (Very few people watch hockey!) The collective bargaining mess will take a lot to get worked out, the two sides are still far apart. But let's put all that aside. Even if the Heat are leading everyone to destruction, can they at least learn to play together? Please?

Rugby Shows Bold Leadership in the War on Fauxhawks

The Price of Freedom
In a move that will likely poison the well for Jersey Shore: Australia, an Australian Rules Football player was banned from a match for his pointy haircut. The referee (correctly!) noted that Nathan Van Someren's gel sculpted sharkfin was dangerous, and like so many Red Rider bb-guns, could take your eye out. But beyond the physical dangers of the fauxhawk, we should consider the metaphysical and aesthetic. Do bad haircuts injure your soul, or wound the minds of those forced to look at them? Having no information to support this, yes. Sports in general, not just rugby, would benefit from some fashion policing. Consider reforms like the ones listed below:


1. Chris Andersen is banned for life. He could fix the fauxhawk, but the tattoos are now so far out of control that there is no hope. Tattoo artists: when a man asks for "FREE BIRD" on his neck, it's time for an intervention/exorcism. We have passed the point of this being fixable. Unless he is willing to play in a green man suit! That would be pretty neat.


2. Tom Brady is banned until he accepts he's going bald. Or, in the alternative, develops enough dignity to not wear the Bieber. (Bieber comb-over. Biebover?) Think of the children!


3. D-Wade is suspended one game for every time he wears fake glasses. This insensitive behavior makes light of the struggle many Americans experience every day. Also, bow ties are stupid.

All these ideas are good!

The Lakers Have Some Time To Think

Sunday, the wheels came off what may go down as the most unmotivated attempt to repeat as NBA Champion. The Lakers played all year like a team that could turn it on when they needed to. Against New Orleans, this was a sound strategy! Dallas, not so much. Peja Stojakovic played to exorcise demons that had haunted him since Sacramento's near-miss, and JET simply knew where to be, every time. Amazingly, Dirk has found the balance that eluded him all of his career. He knows when to shoot, when to drive, and when to let his teammates take over. For all the ridicule heaped on Mark Cuban and his fantasy teams, the Mavs have become a beautiful thing.

That is a story but not the story. The story is that Phil Jackson will be returning to Montana to do whatever it is he does there! Let's forgo the normal "Is it for real?" speculation because, well, there is no answer for that. Every indication is his retirement is sincere (until the Knicks job comes open mid season.) Instead of predicting what he will do, I would rather credit him for being the most effective coach in the history of the NBA via his dickishness. Sincerely! Being incredibly self involved prepared Phil for his work very well. He is not a regular nice person, and the people he manages are not, for the most part, regular nice people. It worked really well. Good for him!

But anyone who thinks it's a good idea to take that job and fill his seat should check themselves lest they wreck themselves. Their team is ancient and only getting older, loaded with expensive mistakes and question marks. Kobe is still really really good but not so good that he can conceal the team's shortcomings. Remember when they traded Shaq and Jerry Buss was touching himself thinking about having pious shoe polish head in LA? It'll be like that. Everyone in their right mind will turn down the job, and then an NBA institution with serious health problems will take over. Larry Brown with a gaping wound? Cheryl Miller with shingles? Raef LaFrentz with rug burn? All possibilities!

Brad Childress Embodies Fail

A lot of things can make someone a bad head coach. You can have poor time management skills. You can fail to get respect from your players and subordinates. You can mismanage money and team resources. You might just be bad at calling plays. Brad Childress combines all of the above, and more. The waiver of Randy Moss is a watershed moment, cementing his incompetence.

Vikings fans can be ambivalent about Brad's shortcomings as long as they are mitigated. Last season made him seem halfway tolerable. There were still plenty of weird decisions and awkward moments, but there was also success. For a while it seemed like there was enough talent and skill to minimize his impact. Maybe even enough to get to a Super Bowl. He still would be a bad coach. But Minnesota would have been happy to deal with that hangover, provided we got a ring.

Now, the bottom has fallen out. Things were dire even before yesterday, now they're hopeless. Childress, unilaterally, has jettisoned a superstar he spent a 3rd round pick to acquire. He's attempting to sell the idea that Randy Moss was an impolite man who was rude to a caterer. Awesome! Good to know. Let's recap. Less than professional behavior towards a man serving food: grounds for waiver. Showing your penis to an unreceptive young lady: keep him on the field even when he's past injured.

There's no opportunity to claim the high ground. Childress is hopelessly devoted to a man who's been exposed as a fraud and a pervert. The Vikings, under his direction, have done anything and everything to cater to Brett Favre's whims. They've willfully ignored a seriously troubling and obviously illegal incident. That's why Randy Moss's waiver is so absurd. Sending away a Hall of Famer and getting nothing in return is foolish. Singling him out as the bad apple is stunningly dumb.

The best case scenario is this is Brad's Waterloo. This is the point where his bizarre behavior and destructive influence becomes too obvious to ignore.

The Decision Three Months Later

As the NBA season approaches, the biggest story is still the Miami Heat. It has been three months since the Decision, and while it has dropped from the news cycle, the echoes are still ringing. Everyone has an opinion. Everything is studied within the context of his move. Every loss will be amplified as evidence of his foolishness, and every win as vindication. Neither conclusion is correct, but of course, that does not particularly matter.

To the average fan, James is a dick. I am inclined to agree. It was not the fact that he departed his hometown, although that did not help. It was not the prolonged courtship and recruitment process he orchestrated, although that did not help either. It was the intersection of these circumstances, on national television, hosted by Jim Gray, as a phony charity fundraiser. In that moment, the numerous questions about his character crystallized and spread. There is no going back.

The fan has a distance from the issue that enables and disables them. It allows you to take things at face value. You can ignore his undeniable physical and commercial power. An NBA GM does not have that luxury. For a personnel director, whether or not he is a creep matters little. He is one of the best players in the NBA. He has untapped physical potential. He is already an offensive machine, and he improves as a defender constantly. Whenever he plays, the stands are packed and the media froths. David Stern is an economic realist. He believes the NBA must slash salaries to adjust to the status quo. But no matter what happens, the market for all things LeBron remains healthy. Any GM who did not at least examine the chance to have him was not doing their job. Pat Riley loves both risk and attention, and he signed on plenty of both.

But, personality still matters. LeBron, for all he has gained, has lost a great deal through this process. It is no longer possible to sell him as fun loving and easy going. The vitrol produced by is behavior has disassembled the wacky jokester, the prankster. The hometown kid who made good story has been burned and buried. Ohio will never forgive him, nor should they. The business of being LeBron James has become deadly serious. Until he wins a championship, this summer will be his obituary. The stakes of being a Global Icon are appropriately high. Now the Heat must win, or pay LeBron’s debts.

It was particularly poignant to see James so scathingly criticized by Michael Jordan. Jordan was a very different player, but his career is the standard LeBron is attempting to expand upon. His obsession with success above all, combined with his trailblazing marketing has given a generation of players something to aspire to. Michael’s criticism likely chafes at James, but he has remained silent on the subject. This is the wisest choice LeBron has made in some time. This is not because Jordan’s opinion is ill-informed, although it most likely is. Michael has yet to prove to be anything other than terrible at personnel. It is not because Michael is jealous and aches to play again, although he is and does. It is because the content of what Michael Jordan said about the Decision reveals more about himself than LeBron. He did not worry about Cleveland, LeBron’s image, or whether Miami made basketball sense. He merely thought LeBron was a coward for wanting to play with the best. Michael Jordan stands as a pillar of an asshole, and his punditry on James is another moment among many. It is not as galling as telling your children you pity them for living in your shadow, but it is in the ballpark.

Ultimately, LeBron’s fate is in his hands. If Miami wins, that will be the story. Eyes will shift away from the long list of distractions. His enemies list. His choice to deploy the race card. The spiked story on his trip to Vegas. His bizarre, wounded, ad campaign. These things will not disappear. He will still be booed and loathed. But, it will be impossible to ignore his accomplishment. The sooner LeBron is fitted for a ring, the sooner the Decision can begin to fade.

Dwyane is the Man Who Will Fight For Your Honor

Exciting news! Today, Dwyane Wade is here to tell you that LeBron James didn't quit against Boston. He drove this home by stating "he's not a quitter". (!!!) Yes, the Decisioneers are in championship form already, talking about all kinds of things. They're happy! The Lakers are good! They've been talking about playing together for a while, but not really! Is it just me, or does it feel like the Decision has been on repeat in your brain for the last week? If there was any justice in this world, all of LeBron's life choices would include an hour long televised hand job in a rich neighborhood. The main failure of my life is that this is not the case.

LeBron is not a very smart man. Demanding national airtime so you can tell a girlfriend that it's not her, it's you: less than savvy. Being surprised at the backlash? Also evidence that you are getting bad advice! But, let's be fair. Dan Gilbert is also not thinking very clearly. He has a lot on his plate: yes. But, in his own suave way he has written another plot twist in Sports Tragedies of Cleveland. I don't even know where to start on the whole Comic Sans issue. He just shouldn't have been allowed on his computer for a week or so. Dan's people, lock him out of his office for a while. he will thank you when the steam stops pouring out of his ears.

Overall, it would be great if we could move on. I think this is a spectacular disaster. I have never seen a free agency period with so much blood letting and self flagellation. Can we let it go? It's over with! We just need appropriate punishments for all parties. ESPN can only run actual sports or SportsCenter. No specials! You have specialed yourself out. LeBron and all involved parties, please be silent. High five in private, just let this peter out until the season starts. Dan Gilbert...I feel for you. But some quiet time will do you good.

The NFL Is Playing Games With My Heart

I couldn't write about the Vikings loss last Sunday. I tried. There was too much aggravation. It would have come out a jumbled mess of dirty words and bald jokes. What made it particularly frustrating was the self destruction. We lost by three, but there were so many opportunities we tossed away. We seemed to be doing everything we could to lose.

Then the NFL admitted they blew a big call in that game. A really big call: one that would have taken an interception of the board if they'd ruled correctly. This is not something I want to know. If I hadn't screamed so much during the game, I'd have yowled like a dying animal. This is not a big hardship. It's a part of being fan that everybody deals with.

But here is a list of preferred NFL announcements:
-They have towed Brad Childress's van and declared his mustache against league policy.
-Because he is so awesome, Adrian Peterson fumbles are a hot potato: if the opposing team touches them, they sit in time out for five plays.
-Bonus points will be assessed for how gritty and earthy he appears in postgame press conferences.
-Free Gucci Mane.
-Prince will be playing every Super Bowl Halftime show forever and ever amen; "Purple and Gold" is cut from the setlist.
-When sacking Aaron Rodgers, Jared Allen is permitted to actually calf rope him.
-Rich Eisen will replace Chris Berman at everything.

The Situation Needs Better Management

In a moment of negotiations genius, Jersey Shore's the Situation and Pauly D are apparently holding out for more money. MTV offered a deal worth a total of $125,000: $10,000 per episode, plus a $5,000 signing bonus. These walking stereotypes have decided that they deserve a higher pay grade. I watched the whole season. To their credit, they were the most entertaining guys in the cast; carried some weaker episodes and made for good TV. But, I can't think of a worse idea than what they're doing.

It's hard to make money nowadays. The cost of producing a show continues to rise. More and more actors with a lot of film credits on their resume have their own shows. They don't come cheap. Meanwhile, the internet continues to change the number of entertainment options, along with digital TV. The audience is diversified in a way that the older networks didn't have to deal with. A massive hit show now makes up for a tiny percentage of the US population. Profit margins are razor thin. One of the few cheap and effective options is the reality show.

Need to buy script? No you don't! Just get some attractive idiots, buy them some drinks, and press record. What about their paychecks? Most likely, you won't have to: this is probably their only way to be famous. Don't talented people want to be paid? What a silly question! They're not talented. They're young, fit, and have bad judgment. They can't think three hours in the future let alone ten years. Their definition of success is some kind of bizarre morbid 21st century joke. And there a million people waiting for the opportunity.

Situation, smile and take your $125k. Put most of it away, get a stockbroker, buy some property. Think for the long term. Making salary demands is similar to someone wearing a sheet over their head claiming they can't be replaced. You can be replaced. This is a fact. There are plenty of tanned morons who will step into your shoes, and probably for free. Your best case scenario is that ten years from now, someone pays you to hand out drinks and bus tables at a theme party. For the sake of your GTL budget, listen to reason.

Conan O'Brien Goes Out in a Blaze of Dignity

Conan was the reason I would smuggle a TV up to my room as a kid. My parents had pretty strict rules about TV watching. It was hard enough to get time for any show, so the idea that I'd be allowed to watch something starting at 11:35 was insane. We had a tiny, old black and white set that was probably twenty years older than me. Some nights I'd plan ahead. In the afternoon when nobody was paying attention, I'd take the television from the cedar closet upstairs and hide it under a blanket in mine. Even when I'd get it hooked up I'd have to be careful...but the risk of getting in trouble was worth it. I loved Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

His sense of humor made sense to me. He was a TV star, a celebrity with a lucrative job and a national platform. But, the character he played was a loser. He poked fun at his pale skin, his goofy looks, and his show's limited budget. He was clearly charming and engaging, but willing to depict himself as a goof who couldn't get a date. His skits were simultaneously cerebral and infantile. One of my favorites was the NBC Satellite Dish, where he created 15 second clips of imaginary cable channels. Examples: Not Cool, Zeus, which featured the king of Greek Gods being inconsiderate, and the Battle for Burrito Island, starring Marlon Brando and Roseanne Barr.

His show thrived on this kind of brainy weirdness, which made me wonder whether the Tonight Show would be a good fit. I wasn't lucky enough to watch when it was the kingdom of Johnny Carson; all it had ever been to me was the program for old people. Jokes with no teeth, just a bunch of bland, inoffensive chuckles. How could Conan fit there? But, it was his dream. He'd fantasized about for his whole life: getting the chance to succeed his hero. I watched the first few episodes and was mildly disappointed. But I thought back to the infancy of Late Night, and I felt like he was too smart not to figure it out. It was a new challenge, a new audience, a new coast. Conan loves a challenge.

He turned a graveyard with a tiny budget into one of the funniest shows on TV. When NBA playoff games or the Olympics pushed his show even later, he made devastating jokes about it. He would have figured this out too, but now we'll never know. NBC was too scared, had spread itself too thin, and the truly believed this was their best option. Credit to Conan for not giving up his dream. Good for him for refusing to compromise and roll over for anybody. He will bounce back. He is too smart, too funny, and too determined to let this stop him from sharing his gift. Jokes that make so much sense to you, that you'll watch them on a 7" set and put a hand over your mouth to stop yourself from laughing.

David Stern vs. Oklahoma City

David Stern fascinates me. As a commissioner of a league that isn't the NFL, his job has a lot of challenges. The NBA has been haunted over the last few years by the perception that it's filled with out of control thugs. The fairness of this opinion could be debated at length. Granted, there are issues like, well, Ron Artest that don't do a whole lot to dispel this belief. On the other hand, football is home to professional dog fighters that bring garbage bags of cash into strip clubs. But, citing leaps of logic like this is ultimately pointless. Fairness doesn't matter: either the public wants to buy your product or it doesn't. David Stern understands this, and has never taken a 'woe is me' approach to his duties. He's been a strong and assertive leader with the ultimate motive of preserving the long term health of the game. The fact that Bud Selig still has a job shows that this isn't a universal standard.

I can't really say that I agree with every decision he's made. Over the last few years, there have been things such as the dress code and the ball that have made me question how much he understands both his audience and his players. But, the arc of his career and the the bent of his choices has been towards basketball being a viable and profitable league. So, that makes me respect him. That, and his willingness to be an absolutely brutal and ruthless decision maker. Have you ever heard this guy give a press conference? The man has balls of steel. When he becomes convinced he needs to do something, his heart instantly becomes made of stone.

This fact makes me think that Clay Bennett and his redneck contemporaries are pretty much screwed. The ownership group out of Oklahoma City got a taste of the NBA experience, and decided that was something they wanted long term. So, they bought the Sonics and immediately started coming up with pretext to move them down south. You know Stern is way too smart to not have perceived this coming, but as long as it was implied, there was not a whole lot he could do. But when Bennett began publicly discussing it, he swiftly fined him, icily telling him that Seattle would at the very least be playing out their lease at Key Arena. Now that OKC has filed arbitration to be released from that obligation, Seattle has in turn filed a lawsuit to keep them there. Maybe this will be sufficient to stop the move. But if it isn't, you'd better believe David Stern is getting involved.

Basketball has been dysfunctional in Seattle, but it doesn't mean that the city deserves to get screwed out of their team. And, as enthusiastic as the fanbase might be, there just isn't enough money in Oklahoma for a relocation to make sense for the NBA. So, you want a battle? Bring it, OKC. Stern isn't scared. He may look like an elf, but he'll mess you up. You should have picked a bitch commissioner to cross. Maybe there's a baseball team available.