Kevin Durant is Going to Cost You

Kevin your mom is a fox. She'd look good in green.

As a Texas fan, now is the winter of our discontent. If you came to Austin you couldn't tell, however. The humidity is nearly unbearable and we've hit eighty degrees a few times in the last week. But, truly, these are the times that try souls when it comes to Texas basketball. Despite the sky high talent of the roster, Longhorn fans have endured a frustrating end to the season. First, there was the Kansas game in the Big XII championship that mirrored our previous performance against them. We had a big lead, all of the momentum, and then choked it away by playing the Mavs to their Heat. Then, in the first round of the tournament, we nearly blew what should have been a walk against vastly inferior New Mexico State. Finally, and possibly mercifully, we were knocked out by a USC team that just wanted it more. So what now?

I could pretend that there's a lot of things that this team has to consider. For example, what the hell happened to D.J. Augustin, the baffling game management of Rick Barnes, and recruiting for the upcoming season. However, the thing on everybody's mind is Kevin Durant. I realize that, in all likelihood, he will choose to go pro. The money waiting for him is excellent, and the risk for injury if he chooses to stay is large. However, he has not declared his intention for the draft, making him a taboo topic for anyone employed by an NBA team. So far, both Don Nelson and Michael Jordan have earned fines for mentioning him even in the most indirect way. Not to be out doofus-ed, Danny Ainge took the cake by sitting next to Kevin's mom during the Big XII tournament. While I love watching him be so stupid, and revel in watching him pay a fine for his trouble, truly, all this does is fill me with dread. Fines be damned: couldn't the NBA tell Danny he isn't allowed to draft Durant? I know they won't, but, seriously, the thought of seeing our golden boy mismanaged by the Boston idiot factory gives me chills. He deserves better! At least he could play for the logo in Memphis. Skip the draft this year, Kevin. Enjoy the cornucopia of beautiful women and delicious barbecue available to you here. Do whatever you can to stay out of Celtic green. I beg you.

I Would Like the Celtics to Win More Games

I represent a big shift in the culture of ESPN, because I'm a smarmy kid who went to prep school.

I find myself in a strange position lately. I've been enjoying seeing the Celtics on their four game winning streak. I was getting pretty discouraged, but this young team is coming together down the stretch and it's encouraging. Sure, they're out of the playoffs, but they have a chance to get out of the basement. I, for one, would love to see that. The thing is, I'm not a Celtics fan. I'm just a Bill Simmons non-fan. And if the Celtics winning a few games means Boston doesn't get their hands on my sweet baby Kevin Durant, then that's what needs to happen.

Bill Simmons has been openly salivating about the prospect of Durant landing in Beantown for a while now. I feel violated. There's no team I feel more strongly about than the Longhorns. And, there's no "journalist" I have grown to strongly dislike more than Bill Simmons. His extreme self-obsession, mind numbing repetition, and general assery are annoying of themselves. The knowledge that he represents a huge success story in sports media today is a curious statement on the genre. And, damn you Bill, I've enjoyed Kevin, and I don't want to share him with you.

I don't want to read you gloating about how he's on your team. I don't want him to become another object of your superiority complex. Watching Durant has been a rare experience. His absurd level of talent, calm, controlled demeanor, and incredible skill have made this my favorite Longhorn season ever. Seeing him play in person was something I'll remember for the rest of my life. I don't want those memories tainted by seeing him in green. I know how you people operate! You took Paul Pierce from the Big XII, too. He was beautiful! Now look what you've done to him...what Danny Ainge did to him. Kevin can't fix Danny, Bill.

So please, Celtics, pull together. Play harder than you ever have. Texans appreciate your dedication.