Monday, October 3, 2011

Inappropriate Comments Distract Focus From Greatest Matchup This Season

Noted sunglasses wearing person Hank Williams Jr. has opinions and he wants you to know them, immediately! When it comes to football, he supports the Crimson Tide. Also, our President is to Hitler as John Boehner is to Netanyahu! ESPN was thrilled to hear about his new career as a pundit. To let him focus on it, they removed his segment from tonight's broadcast of Monday Night Football.

Jr. has already offered the standard explanation of "I was misunderstood." But If you've seen the tape, you know better. The hosts gave him opportunities to clarify or qualify and he declined. (He also made a creepy pass at the lady!) His half-hearted apology is probably not not emphatic enough to get his job back. We are in a weird moment but people seem to have a baseline where calling the President "Hitler" is offensive.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Donovan McNabb is Terrible, Unrepentant

Today in stories that are both unsurprising and incredibly frustrating, Donovan McNabb doesn't think his mechanics need any work. There's no reason to argue with that. He believes there's nothing about how he throws or does his job that is making him bad at it. Maybe he is anticipating a new technique where receivers will begin catching the ball with their feet. Perhaps staring people down for five seconds before moving through his progression is some type of gamesmanship. There are lots of possibilities! Bottom line, Donovan is getting paid and doesn't seem to be worried that his team is 0-3. Last year there was at least some ambiguity considering what a weirdo Mike Shanahan is. In 2011, he is freed of that excuse, and appears to be mailing it in 100%.

The best hope at this point is that this starts the calls for Christian Ponder a little sooner. It's sad to think that with such a talented team, we should be thinking rebuild, but that is what two years with old, unaccountable QBs will do. You can watch the Vikings and appreciate the technical, brilliant fury of an Adrian Peterson run (when the team occasionally calls run plays). Or, enjoy the terrifying violence of a Jared Allen pass rush. Just change the channel or shut your eyes when #5 drops back to pass. He doesn't care how it works out, so neither should you.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

American Airlines Center is Haunted

LeBron ain't afraid of no ghost, at least not when it adds up to free throws. Skip to 1:05 for the best angle.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Breaking: They Freed the Spanish Prisoner! Also, Houston is Depressed!

Kevin McHale was terrible at his job. Just awful! So bad that he ran out of coaches to fire and thrust himself to the sideline. He seems like a very nice man. Occasionally he is seen sitting next to Charles Barkley and does not seem unlikable! But wow he was bad. There was no way Minnesota was going to improve until he was fired. McHale was fired in 2008 and the world assumed the Timberwolves would get better.

They got worse. David Kahn, freshly GMed (?), drafted two tiny elfin men at the most elfin position, point guard. Consecutively! In a league where we're all being held hostage by a 6'8" manchild who can run through brick walls. Yes! Also, one of the point guards is Spanish and he has refused to come to the States. Until now! This is what counts as a success story for Minnesota. A good player held his breath for two years and now will be forced to play for the Timberwolves.

But, these things are relative. Seeing the news can remind you what you forgot. It could be worse.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Fun With Natural Phenomena!

If you have a soul, it lies heavy today knowing that the Heat are up 1-0 in the NBA Finals. However, Mr. Spontanayus dug a little deeper, and discovered a heartwarming story all basketball fans should know.

Last night the Heat defeated the Mavericks in Game 1 of the NBA finals. In their post-game press conference, a reporter asked LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh if they could talk about the source of their motivation for the night's performance. The three friends waxed poetic about a strange event on May 11.
James: We've been inspired for a while now. There were haters, and it's hard to keep negative thoughts-- to keep from doubting yourself a little. We're fighting our own demons, the media, and the other teams.

Wade: Yeah, but then we knew we were chos-- we were pick-- God picked us to win.

Reporter: What ar--

Bosh: You see, everybody thought that we were celebrating the victory when we won the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals in Game 5 by 10 points against a team with a one-armed point guard and three 35 year olds, but actually we were reveling in the beauty.

Wade: Yeah, it looks like I dive dramatically out of bounds, and do a cannonball into the stands in pursuit of a very meaningful loose ball, but actually I trip because I got distracted by the colors.

James: And I was kneeling on the floor with my head bowed in reverence. It was too much-- too much to look at.

Bosh: I heard D-Wade. He was whispering "It's so bright and vivid. It's so beautiful." I see Bron-Bron and he's crying. "It's too much. OMG! OMFG, it's so INTENSE!" Then I look up and I saw it. More amazing than anything I'd ever seen before, in the rafters, a triple rainbow.

Wade: Well, not really a triple-- more like a full double rainbow with three quarters of a third one.

James: More like half of a third one, but still...

All three looking at each other with wistful smiles: Miraculous!

The post-game press conference then ended abruptly when the reporters realized that the three athletes began sporting eye-hazard erections. So now we know the true story. James, a player who has played in the NBA finals, and Wade, a player who has won the Championship, did not cry with overwhelming relief when they defeated an injured Celtics team in the fifth game of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals by 10 points. They did all those things because God chose them with a double and a half rainbow.

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Lakers Need a Coach, Epilogue: the Buss Family Remembers Kobe

Good organizations make mistakes. Not so often as bad organizations, but it happens. When good organizations foul up, they bounce back by properly managing damage control. They make sure everyone has their story straight, deal with all problems internally, and move forward with a united front. That way, the damage of the bad decision is not multiplied by public bickering. Your fans do not want to hear a mea culpa. They want to read about their best player getting arrested for punching a baby at the victory parade. Nobody likes apologies.

Apparently climbing the ladder means Jim Buss is now free to fall on his face! He did an extended interview with the LA Times in which he admitted it was a mistake to not talk with Kobe about Mike Brown. To the quotes!
I'm surprised by the reaction to Mike's hiring. I wish people heard him speak. Let him show you what he showed us. I wanted him to know they are picking on me, which explains why they are picking on him. But it's a reflection on me, not him. He hasn't done anything wrong.
Yes! No worries Mike, they are mad at me, not you. So, feel better! Even though you will be fired, not me.
I don't consider myself a recluse or anything like that. But this is my dad's team. I like what we're doing as a group — my dad, Mitch Kupchak and myself — and especially when we win championships, but I work for my dad and that's who I like to answer to, and who I like to impress. I look at my dad and if he's happy, I'm happy.
Get inspired, Lakers fans! Nothing shows hope for the future like a guy who screws up, then describes himself as daddy's valet.
Looking back on it, we should have contacted Kobe. Kobe said it was management's job to pick a coach. He just said, 'Defense first.' That's what we were doing, but we should have reached out to him.
We were doing what we were told! We shouldn't have done what we were told! We did the right thing, badly! Next, on the risk (guarantee) Kobe will ignore Brown and do whatever he wants:
I've seen Kobe go off the place a few times, but I'm sure the coach will know how to handle it. My dad loves Kobe and so do I; we think he has a lot left. And I know Mike has some ideas on how to elongate Kobe's career.
We totally threw this guy under the bus, but he will be fine! An unwelcome hire will definitely command the respect of an unhappy hall of famer, because of...something! There are many good quotes in here. They paint a picture of the dangers of nepotism. They smell of purple and gold flames surrounding the Staples Center. But none has more pathos than this:
I am blessed thanks to my dad's hard work, but I'm doing everything I can to learn so I'm ready when I get my opportunity. I'm in no hurry to have that happen.
Jim Buss is spoiled, lazy, and in no rush to be held accountable. I love LA!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Lakers Need a Coach Part II: Let's Alienate Our Best Player!

Someone apparently talked the Buss family out of bringing in Mike Dunleavy, Sr. as the Lakers new coach. This is good! You might assume Kobe Bryant weighed in and pointed out that Dunleavy is terrible. That does not appear to be the case. Why? Because of the following loaded portion the report that LA is 'very close' to hiring Mike Brown:
The source close to the Lakers told that Lakers star Kobe Bryant was "surprised" by the news, and that he was not a part of the decision-making process. Bryant had been a staunch supporter of Lakers assistant Brian Shaw for the position and remains as such.
Oh dear. Kobe Bryant has developed a polite public persona. The early chaos of the post-Shaq Lakers saw him put through the wringer. Leaving out the ugly situation in Colorado, Kobe had to figure out how to be the focal point of the team. He learned quickly how much Shaq had given him room, both on and off the court. He found out how dangerous the Internets can be. From these and other bad experiences emerged a new, media savvy face. He even knew to diplomatically and carefully criticize his teammates for their elimination game temper tantrums.

Kobe has learned how to be calm in public. Don't believe for a second he is calm right now. The Lakers did not just lose to the Mavericks, they were destroyed. There is no doubt Bryant was (quietly, privately) telling management either Pau works out his girl problems or plays somewhere else. What is the Buss family thinking? Are they still reeling from the Phil Jackson breakup and out of touch with reality? Kobe Bryant is their franchise. The Lakers will hit a tough hangover when he retires. It is in their best interest to keep him happy until that day comes.

Mike Brown is not a bad coach. The Cavs gave him a raw deal. His firing was a pre-emptive strike by Dan Gilbert to keep a flame lit with LeBron, all for nothing. Mike Brown could be a great fit for the Lakers. But Kobe wants to be heard, and he wants Brian Shaw. If he ends up with neither, the serene demeanor will not last.