American Airlines Center is Haunted

LeBron ain't afraid of no ghost, at least not when it adds up to free throws. Skip to 1:05 for the best angle.

Breaking: They Freed the Spanish Prisoner! Also, Houston is Depressed!

Kevin McHale was terrible at his job. Just awful! So bad that he ran out of coaches to fire and thrust himself to the sideline. He seems like a very nice man. Occasionally he is seen sitting next to Charles Barkley and does not seem unlikable! But wow he was bad. There was no way Minnesota was going to improve until he was fired. McHale was fired in 2008 and the world assumed the Timberwolves would get better.

They got worse. David Kahn, freshly GMed (?), drafted two tiny elfin men at the most elfin position, point guard. Consecutively! In a league where we're all being held hostage by a 6'8" manchild who can run through brick walls. Yes! Also, one of the point guards is Spanish and he has refused to come to the States. Until now! This is what counts as a success story for Minnesota. A good player held his breath for two years and now will be forced to play for the Timberwolves.

But, these things are relative. Seeing the news can remind you what you forgot. It could be worse.

Fun With Natural Phenomena!

If you have a soul, it lies heavy today knowing that the Heat are up 1-0 in the NBA Finals. However, Mr. Spontanayus dug a little deeper, and discovered a heartwarming story all basketball fans should know.

Last night the Heat defeated the Mavericks in Game 1 of the NBA finals. In their post-game press conference, a reporter asked LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh if they could talk about the source of their motivation for the night's performance. The three friends waxed poetic about a strange event on May 11.

James: We've been inspired for a while now. There were haters, and it's hard to keep negative thoughts-- to keep from doubting yourself a little. We're fighting our own demons, the media, and the other teams.

Wade: Yeah, but then we knew we were chos-- we were pick-- God picked us to win.

Reporter: What ar--

Bosh: You see, everybody thought that we were celebrating the victory when we won the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals in Game 5 by 10 points against a team with a one-armed point guard and three 35 year olds, but actually we were reveling in the beauty.

Wade: Yeah, it looks like I dive dramatically out of bounds, and do a cannonball into the stands in pursuit of a very meaningful loose ball, but actually I trip because I got distracted by the colors.

James: And I was kneeling on the floor with my head bowed in reverence. It was too much-- too much to look at.

Bosh: I heard D-Wade. He was whispering "It's so bright and vivid. It's so beautiful." I see Bron-Bron and he's crying. "It's too much. OMG! OMFG, it's so INTENSE!" Then I look up and I saw it. More amazing than anything I'd ever seen before, in the rafters, a triple rainbow.

Wade: Well, not really a triple-- more like a full double rainbow with three quarters of a third one.

James: More like half of a third one, but still...

All three looking at each other with wistful smiles: Miraculous!

The post-game press conference then ended abruptly when the reporters realized that the three athletes began sporting eye-hazard erections. So now we know the true story. James, a player who has played in the NBA finals, and Wade, a player who has won the Championship, did not cry with overwhelming relief when they defeated an injured Celtics team in the fifth game of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals by 10 points. They did all those things because God chose them with a double and a half rainbow.