American Airlines Center is Haunted

LeBron ain't afraid of no ghost, at least not when it adds up to free throws. Skip to 1:05 for the best angle.

Fun With Natural Phenomena!

If you have a soul, it lies heavy today knowing that the Heat are up 1-0 in the NBA Finals. However, Mr. Spontanayus dug a little deeper, and discovered a heartwarming story all basketball fans should know.

Last night the Heat defeated the Mavericks in Game 1 of the NBA finals. In their post-game press conference, a reporter asked LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh if they could talk about the source of their motivation for the night's performance. The three friends waxed poetic about a strange event on May 11.

James: We've been inspired for a while now. There were haters, and it's hard to keep negative thoughts-- to keep from doubting yourself a little. We're fighting our own demons, the media, and the other teams.

Wade: Yeah, but then we knew we were chos-- we were pick-- God picked us to win.

Reporter: What ar--

Bosh: You see, everybody thought that we were celebrating the victory when we won the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals in Game 5 by 10 points against a team with a one-armed point guard and three 35 year olds, but actually we were reveling in the beauty.

Wade: Yeah, it looks like I dive dramatically out of bounds, and do a cannonball into the stands in pursuit of a very meaningful loose ball, but actually I trip because I got distracted by the colors.

James: And I was kneeling on the floor with my head bowed in reverence. It was too much-- too much to look at.

Bosh: I heard D-Wade. He was whispering "It's so bright and vivid. It's so beautiful." I see Bron-Bron and he's crying. "It's too much. OMG! OMFG, it's so INTENSE!" Then I look up and I saw it. More amazing than anything I'd ever seen before, in the rafters, a triple rainbow.

Wade: Well, not really a triple-- more like a full double rainbow with three quarters of a third one.

James: More like half of a third one, but still...

All three looking at each other with wistful smiles: Miraculous!

The post-game press conference then ended abruptly when the reporters realized that the three athletes began sporting eye-hazard erections. So now we know the true story. James, a player who has played in the NBA finals, and Wade, a player who has won the Championship, did not cry with overwhelming relief when they defeated an injured Celtics team in the fifth game of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals by 10 points. They did all those things because God chose them with a double and a half rainbow.

Breaking: LeBron and Tom Brady Have Something in Common

Mr. Spontanayus has been unable to type recently because his hand was crushed after shaking with a wrestler. But, he trained a dog to transcribe his thoughts, and sends this along...

I suppose you could call what we've been doing "Heat hatin'." So I'll do two things: (1) say that I am surprised and impressed with how dominant the Heat have been the past two games because Wade, Bosh, and James have all been excellent; (2) keep "hatin'." [Editor's note: this was submitted before last night's OT loss. If the Heat finish off the Bulls, the only hope for democracy and freedom is a German with chin pubes. The Marshall plan worked!]

While watching the game two days ago, I noticed that LeBron James' headband is totally ineffective: it's too high. A headband is designed to catch brow sweat and prevent it from getting in the player's eyes. Thus, unless James produces an exorbitant amount of sweat from the crown of his head (not the one on his head of course), his sweatband is useless. I know that sweatbands also make you look really cool, and LeBron looks really cool, especially when he wears clothes with his name on them. I just don't think that this is the reason that LeBron wears his headband. Perhaps it is effective. It's covering his male-pattern baldness.

LeBron didn't wear his headband so high as a rookie in 2004. He didn't wear it so high when he won the MVP at 25 year old in 2009, though it was a little higher. I suppose the hair loss hit him extremely hard in the last few months. Perhaps it was the stress of "The Decision," and becoming reviled by a once adoring public. Perhaps he's actually 35. Perhaps he has one unfortunate gene. I don't know, and LeBron probably doesn't know.

I admit I won't be cheering for the Heat. But I don't actually consider the above "hatin'." I just think LeBron is very very silly.

The Decision Three Months Later

As the NBA season approaches, the biggest story is still the Miami Heat. It has been three months since the Decision, and while it has dropped from the news cycle, the echoes are still ringing. Everyone has an opinion. Everything is studied within the context of his move. Every loss will be amplified as evidence of his foolishness, and every win as vindication. Neither conclusion is correct, but of course, that does not particularly matter.

To the average fan, James is a dick. I am inclined to agree. It was not the fact that he departed his hometown, although that did not help. It was not the prolonged courtship and recruitment process he orchestrated, although that did not help either. It was the intersection of these circumstances, on national television, hosted by Jim Gray, as a phony charity fundraiser. In that moment, the numerous questions about his character crystallized and spread. There is no going back.

The fan has a distance from the issue that enables and disables them. It allows you to take things at face value. You can ignore his undeniable physical and commercial power. An NBA GM does not have that luxury. For a personnel director, whether or not he is a creep matters little. He is one of the best players in the NBA. He has untapped physical potential. He is already an offensive machine, and he improves as a defender constantly. Whenever he plays, the stands are packed and the media froths. David Stern is an economic realist. He believes the NBA must slash salaries to adjust to the status quo. But no matter what happens, the market for all things LeBron remains healthy. Any GM who did not at least examine the chance to have him was not doing their job. Pat Riley loves both risk and attention, and he signed on plenty of both.

But, personality still matters. LeBron, for all he has gained, has lost a great deal through this process. It is no longer possible to sell him as fun loving and easy going. The vitrol produced by is behavior has disassembled the wacky jokester, the prankster. The hometown kid who made good story has been burned and buried. Ohio will never forgive him, nor should they. The business of being LeBron James has become deadly serious. Until he wins a championship, this summer will be his obituary. The stakes of being a Global Icon are appropriately high. Now the Heat must win, or pay LeBron’s debts.

It was particularly poignant to see James so scathingly criticized by Michael Jordan. Jordan was a very different player, but his career is the standard LeBron is attempting to expand upon. His obsession with success above all, combined with his trailblazing marketing has given a generation of players something to aspire to. Michael’s criticism likely chafes at James, but he has remained silent on the subject. This is the wisest choice LeBron has made in some time. This is not because Jordan’s opinion is ill-informed, although it most likely is. Michael has yet to prove to be anything other than terrible at personnel. It is not because Michael is jealous and aches to play again, although he is and does. It is because the content of what Michael Jordan said about the Decision reveals more about himself than LeBron. He did not worry about Cleveland, LeBron’s image, or whether Miami made basketball sense. He merely thought LeBron was a coward for wanting to play with the best. Michael Jordan stands as a pillar of an asshole, and his punditry on James is another moment among many. It is not as galling as telling your children you pity them for living in your shadow, but it is in the ballpark.

Ultimately, LeBron’s fate is in his hands. If Miami wins, that will be the story. Eyes will shift away from the long list of distractions. His enemies list. His choice to deploy the race card. The spiked story on his trip to Vegas. His bizarre, wounded, ad campaign. These things will not disappear. He will still be booed and loathed. But, it will be impossible to ignore his accomplishment. The sooner LeBron is fitted for a ring, the sooner the Decision can begin to fade.

Can't Please Everybody.

Add me to the chorus of people who have found the latter part of these playoffs almost completely unwatchable. It started with so much promise. The Nuggets opened strong against the Spurs. and the Warriors showed no fear against the Mavericks. The Rockets even jumped out to an early lead. But San Antonio put the wheels down, like they do, and took Denver out of their game from then on. Then, the Rockets predictably went retarded, and the Warriors wild ride came to an end. And then, there was the horribly tragic bloodbath between the Spurs and the Suns. Things didn't get better. The Pistons lost to Cleveland in spite of themselves. They have better balance and more experience. But, they were foolish and played down to the competition. Now, Detroit's laziness and San Antonio's soul crushing brutality have given us this mess of a Finals. One of the most ugly and unbalanced series we could ask for.

It's not a slap to San Antonio or Cleveland. This is the flaw of having to play the games. You could end up with an exciting story and something truly memorable. But because of the structure, there are no guarantees. San Antonio wins games because they know exactly what they do and do it consistently. That, and Tim Duncan is a machine. Hard to watch, but one of the best basketball players of all time. LeBron might be there one day too. But I think it's a sad state of affairs that this was the best that could come out of the Eastern Conference. Again, not LeBron's fault. And, good for all the fans that are getting a thrill out of this. But, when you look at the numbers, you're in the minority. This has been an iffy year. The NBA is loaded with talent, but David Stern seems to have lost his golden touch. Maybe it's just that he's so used to being bulletproof that it's hard to keep his head straight. But, wow, this has been a middling season. We get a fresh injeaction of some world class talent in a matter of weeks, so it's not anything that can't be overcome. It just sucks to love basketball but have no reason to be watching it this week.