I represent a big shift in the culture of ESPN, because I'm a smarmy kid who went to prep school.
I find myself in a strange position lately. I've been enjoying seeing the Celtics on their four game winning streak. I was getting pretty discouraged, but this young team is coming together down the stretch and it's encouraging. Sure, they're out of the playoffs, but they have a chance to get out of the basement. I, for one, would love to see that. The thing is, I'm not a Celtics fan. I'm just a Bill Simmons non-fan. And if the Celtics winning a few games means Boston doesn't get their hands on my sweet baby Kevin Durant, then that's what needs to happen.
Bill Simmons has been openly salivating about the prospect of Durant landing in Beantown for a while now. I feel violated. There's no team I feel more strongly about than the Longhorns. And, there's no "journalist" I have grown to strongly dislike more than Bill Simmons. His extreme self-obsession, mind numbing repetition, and general assery are annoying of themselves. The knowledge that he represents a huge success story in sports media today is a curious statement on the genre. And, damn you Bill, I've enjoyed Kevin, and I don't want to share him with you.
I don't want to read you gloating about how he's on your team. I don't want him to become another object of your superiority complex. Watching Durant has been a rare experience. His absurd level of talent, calm, controlled demeanor, and incredible skill have made this my favorite Longhorn season ever. Seeing him play in person was something I'll remember for the rest of my life. I don't want those memories tainted by seeing him in green. I know how you people operate! You took Paul Pierce from the Big XII, too. He was beautiful! Now look what you've done to him...what Danny Ainge did to him. Kevin can't fix Danny, Bill.
So please, Celtics, pull together. Play harder than you ever have. Texans appreciate your dedication.