Sunday, January 31, 2010

The NFL Is Playing Games With My Heart

I couldn't write about the Vikings loss last Sunday. I tried. There was too much aggravation. It would have come out a jumbled mess of dirty words and bald jokes. What made it particularly frustrating was the self destruction. We lost by three, but there were so many opportunities we tossed away. We seemed to be doing everything we could to lose.

Then the NFL admitted they blew a big call in that game. A really big call: one that would have taken an interception of the board if they'd ruled correctly. This is not something I want to know. If I hadn't screamed so much during the game, I'd have yowled like a dying animal. This is not a big hardship. It's a part of being fan that everybody deals with.

But here is a list of preferred NFL announcements:
-They have towed Brad Childress's van and declared his mustache against league policy.
-Because he is so awesome, Adrian Peterson fumbles are a hot potato: if the opposing team touches them, they sit in time out for five plays.
-Bonus points will be assessed for how gritty and earthy he appears in postgame press conferences.
-Free Gucci Mane.
-Prince will be playing every Super Bowl Halftime show forever and ever amen; "Purple and Gold" is cut from the setlist.
-When sacking Aaron Rodgers, Jared Allen is permitted to actually calf rope him.
-Rich Eisen will replace Chris Berman at everything.