Shaw Kemp is Loyal (?), Overweight

In a move that totally should not make you giggle, not even a little bit, Shawn Kemp is standing up for fidelity! Yes, the noted basketball player with noted potency refused courtside seats to see the Thunder play in OKC, out of loyalty to the Sonics. Good for you Shawn! When you decide to apologize for drinking, smoking, eating, impregnating, eating, impregnating, sleeping, and eating your way out of relevancy, please let me know.

Shawn's ethical concerns aside, the Oklahoma City Thunder are the best story remaining in the NBA Playoffs. Dirk finally figured out how to be the man. The Bulls could spare us all the misery of a Miami Heat Final. But, OKC is out there proving a smart, well run small market team can compete and win. Their series with the Memphis Grizzlies emphasized that point through seven superb games. Both teams are Pacific Northwest ex-patriates, but Memphis undeniably had the tougher road. Who would have assumed a trade for Pau's younger brother and Kwame Brown would pay off? But it did. Marc Gasol played like he wanted it, Pau Gasol looked like he wanted his vacation.

But the biggest surprise on the Grizzlies has to be Zach Randolph. Z-Bo has spent his career as a 20-10 "so what" player. Someone who can get great numbers but never fits in a winning system. Zach made that label a thing of the past. He stared down the Spurs, calmly closing out games when people expected him to choke. He got the Grizzlies to Game 7 against the Thunder, despite OKC's powerful defensive frontcourt. If there's one hope to hold in your heart, besides Miami losing, it's that this season wasn't a fluke for Memphis. Team basketball matters. Seeing five guys on the court who know how to play together makes games fun to watch. Forty-eight minutes of one on ones and contested shots is miserable to watch. The Grizzlies have earned a spot in the NBA's elite, and here's hoping they fight for that chair next year.

The Heat are Inevitable, Terrible to Watch

Last night, the Celtics exited the playoffs. Depleted by injuries, aging, and bizarre trades, Boston played like a team with nothing to look forward to. They could get leads but could not hold them. It is difficult to imagine them being a true title contender next year. Now the push to build around Rondo will begin, but the defensive enforcer he needs is Memphis bound, hoping to move to the conference finals. Danny Ainge may have defended that trade, but he will likely live to regret it.

The deep, soul-crushing depression you feel is knowledge that Miami has advanced. The statute of limitations on being mad about the Decision has lapsed. But, there is plenty of mileage left on how painful it feels to watch the Heat play. Four teams still in the hunt practice a fluid and entertaining style of basketball: Dallas, Chicago, Oklahoma City, and Memphis. They pass, move without the ball, and call plays. Two teams do none of these things: Atlanta and Miami. Fortunately, Chicago has a chance to prevent an Hawks vs. Heat conference final tonight. Here's hoping they do.

Let's not begrudge Miami for wanting to win. Yes, the template they have set up is destructive. Only a few markets can afford to go on the type of shopping spree they did. The NHL is in better financial shape, which should tell you something! (Very few people watch hockey!) The collective bargaining mess will take a lot to get worked out, the two sides are still far apart. But let's put all that aside. Even if the Heat are leading everyone to destruction, can they at least learn to play together? Please?

Rugby Shows Bold Leadership in the War on Fauxhawks

The Price of Freedom
In a move that will likely poison the well for Jersey Shore: Australia, an Australian Rules Football player was banned from a match for his pointy haircut. The referee (correctly!) noted that Nathan Van Someren's gel sculpted sharkfin was dangerous, and like so many Red Rider bb-guns, could take your eye out. But beyond the physical dangers of the fauxhawk, we should consider the metaphysical and aesthetic. Do bad haircuts injure your soul, or wound the minds of those forced to look at them? Having no information to support this, yes. Sports in general, not just rugby, would benefit from some fashion policing. Consider reforms like the ones listed below:


1. Chris Andersen is banned for life. He could fix the fauxhawk, but the tattoos are now so far out of control that there is no hope. Tattoo artists: when a man asks for "FREE BIRD" on his neck, it's time for an intervention/exorcism. We have passed the point of this being fixable. Unless he is willing to play in a green man suit! That would be pretty neat.


2. Tom Brady is banned until he accepts he's going bald. Or, in the alternative, develops enough dignity to not wear the Bieber. (Bieber comb-over. Biebover?) Think of the children!


3. D-Wade is suspended one game for every time he wears fake glasses. This insensitive behavior makes light of the struggle many Americans experience every day. Also, bow ties are stupid.

All these ideas are good!

The Lakers Have Some Time To Think

Sunday, the wheels came off what may go down as the most unmotivated attempt to repeat as NBA Champion. The Lakers played all year like a team that could turn it on when they needed to. Against New Orleans, this was a sound strategy! Dallas, not so much. Peja Stojakovic played to exorcise demons that had haunted him since Sacramento's near-miss, and JET simply knew where to be, every time. Amazingly, Dirk has found the balance that eluded him all of his career. He knows when to shoot, when to drive, and when to let his teammates take over. For all the ridicule heaped on Mark Cuban and his fantasy teams, the Mavs have become a beautiful thing.

That is a story but not the story. The story is that Phil Jackson will be returning to Montana to do whatever it is he does there! Let's forgo the normal "Is it for real?" speculation because, well, there is no answer for that. Every indication is his retirement is sincere (until the Knicks job comes open mid season.) Instead of predicting what he will do, I would rather credit him for being the most effective coach in the history of the NBA via his dickishness. Sincerely! Being incredibly self involved prepared Phil for his work very well. He is not a regular nice person, and the people he manages are not, for the most part, regular nice people. It worked really well. Good for him!

But anyone who thinks it's a good idea to take that job and fill his seat should check themselves lest they wreck themselves. Their team is ancient and only getting older, loaded with expensive mistakes and question marks. Kobe is still really really good but not so good that he can conceal the team's shortcomings. Remember when they traded Shaq and Jerry Buss was touching himself thinking about having pious shoe polish head in LA? It'll be like that. Everyone in their right mind will turn down the job, and then an NBA institution with serious health problems will take over. Larry Brown with a gaping wound? Cheryl Miller with shingles? Raef LaFrentz with rug burn? All possibilities!

Brad Childress Embodies Fail

A lot of things can make someone a bad head coach. You can have poor time management skills. You can fail to get respect from your players and subordinates. You can mismanage money and team resources. You might just be bad at calling plays. Brad Childress combines all of the above, and more. The waiver of Randy Moss is a watershed moment, cementing his incompetence.

Vikings fans can be ambivalent about Brad's shortcomings as long as they are mitigated. Last season made him seem halfway tolerable. There were still plenty of weird decisions and awkward moments, but there was also success. For a while it seemed like there was enough talent and skill to minimize his impact. Maybe even enough to get to a Super Bowl. He still would be a bad coach. But Minnesota would have been happy to deal with that hangover, provided we got a ring.

Now, the bottom has fallen out. Things were dire even before yesterday, now they're hopeless. Childress, unilaterally, has jettisoned a superstar he spent a 3rd round pick to acquire. He's attempting to sell the idea that Randy Moss was an impolite man who was rude to a caterer. Awesome! Good to know. Let's recap. Less than professional behavior towards a man serving food: grounds for waiver. Showing your penis to an unreceptive young lady: keep him on the field even when he's past injured.

There's no opportunity to claim the high ground. Childress is hopelessly devoted to a man who's been exposed as a fraud and a pervert. The Vikings, under his direction, have done anything and everything to cater to Brett Favre's whims. They've willfully ignored a seriously troubling and obviously illegal incident. That's why Randy Moss's waiver is so absurd. Sending away a Hall of Famer and getting nothing in return is foolish. Singling him out as the bad apple is stunningly dumb.

The best case scenario is this is Brad's Waterloo. This is the point where his bizarre behavior and destructive influence becomes too obvious to ignore.

The Decision Three Months Later

As the NBA season approaches, the biggest story is still the Miami Heat. It has been three months since the Decision, and while it has dropped from the news cycle, the echoes are still ringing. Everyone has an opinion. Everything is studied within the context of his move. Every loss will be amplified as evidence of his foolishness, and every win as vindication. Neither conclusion is correct, but of course, that does not particularly matter.

To the average fan, James is a dick. I am inclined to agree. It was not the fact that he departed his hometown, although that did not help. It was not the prolonged courtship and recruitment process he orchestrated, although that did not help either. It was the intersection of these circumstances, on national television, hosted by Jim Gray, as a phony charity fundraiser. In that moment, the numerous questions about his character crystallized and spread. There is no going back.

The fan has a distance from the issue that enables and disables them. It allows you to take things at face value. You can ignore his undeniable physical and commercial power. An NBA GM does not have that luxury. For a personnel director, whether or not he is a creep matters little. He is one of the best players in the NBA. He has untapped physical potential. He is already an offensive machine, and he improves as a defender constantly. Whenever he plays, the stands are packed and the media froths. David Stern is an economic realist. He believes the NBA must slash salaries to adjust to the status quo. But no matter what happens, the market for all things LeBron remains healthy. Any GM who did not at least examine the chance to have him was not doing their job. Pat Riley loves both risk and attention, and he signed on plenty of both.

But, personality still matters. LeBron, for all he has gained, has lost a great deal through this process. It is no longer possible to sell him as fun loving and easy going. The vitrol produced by is behavior has disassembled the wacky jokester, the prankster. The hometown kid who made good story has been burned and buried. Ohio will never forgive him, nor should they. The business of being LeBron James has become deadly serious. Until he wins a championship, this summer will be his obituary. The stakes of being a Global Icon are appropriately high. Now the Heat must win, or pay LeBron’s debts.

It was particularly poignant to see James so scathingly criticized by Michael Jordan. Jordan was a very different player, but his career is the standard LeBron is attempting to expand upon. His obsession with success above all, combined with his trailblazing marketing has given a generation of players something to aspire to. Michael’s criticism likely chafes at James, but he has remained silent on the subject. This is the wisest choice LeBron has made in some time. This is not because Jordan’s opinion is ill-informed, although it most likely is. Michael has yet to prove to be anything other than terrible at personnel. It is not because Michael is jealous and aches to play again, although he is and does. It is because the content of what Michael Jordan said about the Decision reveals more about himself than LeBron. He did not worry about Cleveland, LeBron’s image, or whether Miami made basketball sense. He merely thought LeBron was a coward for wanting to play with the best. Michael Jordan stands as a pillar of an asshole, and his punditry on James is another moment among many. It is not as galling as telling your children you pity them for living in your shadow, but it is in the ballpark.

Ultimately, LeBron’s fate is in his hands. If Miami wins, that will be the story. Eyes will shift away from the long list of distractions. His enemies list. His choice to deploy the race card. The spiked story on his trip to Vegas. His bizarre, wounded, ad campaign. These things will not disappear. He will still be booed and loathed. But, it will be impossible to ignore his accomplishment. The sooner LeBron is fitted for a ring, the sooner the Decision can begin to fade.

Dwyane is the Man Who Will Fight For Your Honor

Exciting news! Today, Dwyane Wade is here to tell you that LeBron James didn't quit against Boston. He drove this home by stating "he's not a quitter". (!!!) Yes, the Decisioneers are in championship form already, talking about all kinds of things. They're happy! The Lakers are good! They've been talking about playing together for a while, but not really! Is it just me, or does it feel like the Decision has been on repeat in your brain for the last week? If there was any justice in this world, all of LeBron's life choices would include an hour long televised hand job in a rich neighborhood. The main failure of my life is that this is not the case.

LeBron is not a very smart man. Demanding national airtime so you can tell a girlfriend that it's not her, it's you: less than savvy. Being surprised at the backlash? Also evidence that you are getting bad advice! But, let's be fair. Dan Gilbert is also not thinking very clearly. He has a lot on his plate: yes. But, in his own suave way he has written another plot twist in Sports Tragedies of Cleveland. I don't even know where to start on the whole Comic Sans issue. He just shouldn't have been allowed on his computer for a week or so. Dan's people, lock him out of his office for a while. he will thank you when the steam stops pouring out of his ears.

Overall, it would be great if we could move on. I think this is a spectacular disaster. I have never seen a free agency period with so much blood letting and self flagellation. Can we let it go? It's over with! We just need appropriate punishments for all parties. ESPN can only run actual sports or SportsCenter. No specials! You have specialed yourself out. LeBron and all involved parties, please be silent. High five in private, just let this peter out until the season starts. Dan Gilbert...I feel for you. But some quiet time will do you good.