Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Rugby Shows Bold Leadership in the War on Fauxhawks

The Price of Freedom

In a move that will likely poison the well for Jersey Shore: Australia, an Australian Rules Football player was banned from a match for his pointy haircut. The referee (correctly!) noted that Nathan Van Someren's gel sculpted sharkfin was dangerous, and like so many Red Rider bb-guns, could take your eye out. But beyond the physical dangers of the fauxhawk, we should consider the metaphysical and aesthetic. Do bad haircuts injure your soul, or wound the minds of those forced to look at them? Having no information to support this, yes. Sports in general, not just rugby, would benefit from some fashion policing. Consider reforms like the ones listed below:

1. Chris Andersen is banned for life. He could fix the fauxhawk, but the tattoos are now so far out of control that there is no hope. Tattoo artists: when a man asks for "FREE BIRD" on his neck, it's time for an intervention/exorcism. We have passed the point of this being fixable. Unless he is willing to play in a green man suit! That would be pretty neat.

2. Tom Brady is banned until he accepts he's going bald. Or, in the alternative, develops enough dignity to not wear the Bieber. (Bieber comb-over. Biebover?) Think of the children!

3. D-Wade is suspended one game for every time he wears fake glasses. This insensitive behavior makes light of the struggle many Americans experience every day. Also, bow ties are stupid.

All these ideas are good!

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