Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Lakers Need a Coach Part I: Send In the Clowns


You see, LA just got out of a long term relationship. Their old boyfriend was a dick. He was pompous, pious, and frequently aloof. But, he got the job done. The Lakers need to take a break. They need to honestly and slowly look in the mirror before they do something hasty. Like putting Mike Dunleavy, Sr. on their shortlist. Yes, that famous last name that evokes...something, could return to coach the Lakers a second time.

You might think that Mike's sole qualification is knowing how to get to Staples Center. But you'd be wrong! Just listen to his glittering CV, detailed in the article linked above:
Dunleavy is currently awaiting judgment in his arbitration hearing with the Los Angeles Clippers, who stopped paying the balance of his contract after they fired him as general manager last year. Dunleavy earlier had resigned as coach after going 215-326 with the Clippers.
Ah, yes! The best relationships are with people going through a messy divorce. And since the Clippers are the Bizarro Lakers, that means he had a winning record. Science!
Though his recent history with the Clippers was unsuccessful, Dunleavy is still viewed as a strong tactician with an impressive history of postseason success.
This is all true! Whenever you saw Mike coach, your first thought was "tactics." By standing still on the sideline, he preserved the element of surprise. You were genuinely surprised when you saw him do anything.
He also has a long history with Bryant, whom he courted and nearly convinced to join the Clippers as a free agent in 2004.
OK, what? "Long history"? He asked him out and was turned down. By that logic, a girl holding a "MARRY ME JUSTIN" sign at a Bieber concert goes WAY back with him.
Dunleavy is the winningest and was the highest-paid coach in Clippers history.
World's tallest midget, sexiest leper.
Dunleavy has a career record of 613-716 as a head coach with the Lakers, Milwaukee, Portland and the Clippers. Besides the 1990-91 run with the Lakers, he came within one game of the 2000 Finals with the Trail Blazers before a fourth-quarter collapse in Game 7 propelled Shaquille O'Neal and Bryant to their first of three championships together with the Lakers.
Baffling! Are the Lakers so short on hope that they are excited to recruit their former punching bag? Isn't this the kind of thing you do after all the good candidates have turned you down? Is it Christmas already?
Dunleavy has maintained a friendship with Lakers owner Dr. Jerry Buss and his son, Jim Buss. As recently as last year, he watched Lakers games with Buss from his suite at Staples Center.
That is good. It will make things more awkward when he is fired!

1 comment:

Masoud said...

I would also like to add two things:

1.) You know Dumbleavy is an AWESOME head coach, when he would call a time out, and players would look as though they were being forced to listen to their ex-wife complain to them about being 'not in tune with them emotionally.'

and,

2.) I'm a lifelong Rockets fan, who would love nothing more than to watch the Lakers take a nose dive. Therefore, I, for one, would love for the Lakers to hire Dunleavy. All hail Coach Dunleavy!